The Long Way Home
by whutnot
Summary: Ten years after the events of Book 4, Kuvira returns home to Zaofu to serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest. As she tries to figure out how she fits into the Beifong family, she realizes her feelings for Suyin are not what she expected. She was never a daughter to Su, but perhaps she could be something else. Kuvira/Su (Su/Bataar Sr. with Kuvira/Bataar Sr. friendship)
1. Chapter 1

**AN**:This will be a slow burn Kuvira/Suyin fic. I'm working under the assumption that Kuvira was never truly part of the Beifong family, and that she was in her late 20s during the events of Book 4. This takes place ten years later. In this fic, Suyin is polyamorous, and there will be no cheating on Bataar Sr.

This hasn't been beta'd, so there will probably be mistakes.

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><p>She supposed it should not have surprised her that she only had two guards on the train to Zaofu. Over the years of her incarceration, she had garnered trust through cooperation and atonement. Through rebuilding Republic City and public apologies. She had done everything she could to make up for the atrocities she had committed, and her reward was the opportunity to go home after only ten years in prison. She would be under house arrest with Suyin Beifong responsible for her.<p>

Suyin, who had forgiven her for her betrayal. Suyin who Kuvira had forgiven for her betrayal.

Kuvira sat quietly, staring out the window as the domed city drew nearer (she did not know when they had been replaced, but she felt the sting of guilt deep in her gut). Her guards gave her plenty of space. They had been with her for a while, for years. They always ventured with her when she had gone out in Republic City on her community service outings. They knew she was unlikely to want conversation.

It had been over ten years since she had been home, and she found that the anticipation was almost unbearable. As the scenery sped by, Kuvira reflected on how strange it was that she felt so young again. She was just a few years shy of forty, and yes coming back to Zaofu made her feel like a child. A lonely orphan who was taken in by the Beifongs, but who was never really accepted as part of the family. She had been a student and a friend, a protégé to Suyin, but she had never been a daughter or a sister. The closest she had come to being a member of the Beifong family were the months she had spent engaged to Bataar Jr. That had ended horribly and alienated her permanently from the closest thing she had to family.

Or perhaps not so permanently.

It had been five years into her sentence (life in prison) when Korra had approached her about the possibility of parole. Kuvira had spent those five years working hard to rebuild Republic City, and had proved herself trustworthy to the citizens. Still, Kuvira had been skeptical. How could these people allow her to walk free? Turned out that she would not exactly be free. She would no longer be confined to her cell, to her prison, but she would be banished from The United Republic, and she would be confined to Zaofu.

Suyin had volunteered to take her.

That alone was enough to send Kuvira into an emotional tailspin. Their relationship was still so fragile, still so damage. They had tried to mend it, and in ten years, they had barely managed civility (at least on Suyin's end. Kuvira was always humble and apologetic). She had never expected Suyin to invite her back to Zaofu. Not after everything she had done. Not after all that had passed between them.

"Kuvira?"

She looked up to see one of her guards standing by her seat.

"Yes, Meili?"

"The conductor has informed us that we will be stopping soon. He would like the rest of the passengers to disembark before we exit."

"Of course. Thank you." Kuvira liked Meili. She would be sad to say goodbye to both her guards, but they had to return to Republic City. She assumed she would be provided new ones in Zaofu. She hoped that they would be female. She had been away from men for a long time, and she found she did not want to allow them into her personal space again. Women tended to understand her motives better than men. Her desperate need to protect the Earth Kingdom. Though it was a kingdom no longer. The individual states had been operating independently for years now. The Earth Republic, or whatever they called it now. Part of her was still so bitter, so regretful that she had not been able to bring about the change she so desired. So hurt that her accomplishments were forgotten. She had saved the Earth Kingdom from destruction and civil war. No matter what else, she thought she deserved recognition for that. She knew that she had taken it too far. That was something she had spent the last ten years coming to terms with. But she knew that it had not all been bad. She had done good things, too.

It didn't really matter, though. It was all the past. Korra told her that she needed to move forward.

Kuvira thought that was possibly easier for the Avatar to say, what with her loving and successful wife and their hoard of adopted children. Children that they loved so much more than Suyin had ever loved Kuvira.

The unwanted emotions bubbled inside her, and she clenched her fist. The metal of her seat crumpled slightly, and Meili took a tentative step towards her.

"I'm fine." Kuvira took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was ashamed at her loss of control. That was unacceptable. With a flick of her wrist, she returned the seat to its original shape. She glanced back at Meili. "I'm fine." Meili nodded and returned to her position.

Kuvira worked on calming herself the rest of the trip, and by the time the train came to a stop, she had completely regained her control. When the train had been cleared, the conductor came to their compartment to escort Kuvira to the platform. She hefted her small back over her shoulder (she only owned the clothes on her back and a few parting gifts from the Avatar and Asami and a surprising one from Lin Beifong), and followed the conductor. The platform was cleared of people except two guards clearly waiting for her. She was somewhat disappointed that Suyin had not come to collect her personally, but she supposed she should have expected it. Suyin was a very busy woman, and they were not exactly close anymore.

She recognized both of them, and was not unaware of the animosity in their eyes.

"Welcome home, _Great Uniter_." Delun smirked as he greeted her. She was prepared to have the title thrown at her like an insult. It was not the first time it had happened, and she knew it would not be the last. She comforted herself by remembering that his unimaginative insults could not hurt her if she did not let them. Delun's smirk faltered when she did not rise to his challenge. His companion, Nianzu, elbowed him in the side. "We're to escort you to your quarters." He glanced at her guards. "There's no need to follow."

Meili drew herself up and looked down her nose at him. "Our orders from Chief Beifong were to escort Kuvira directly to Suyin Beifong. We will stay with Kuvira until then."

Delun's nose wrinkled but he nodded. "Fine. Follow us."

Kuvira felt a deep desire to thank Meili for standing up to Delun, but she stayed quiet. Meili knew how Kuvira felt. There was no need to show emotional vulnerability in front of men who would only use it against her.

Zaofu had changed in the last ten years. Had grown and prospered. The streets were not quiet what she had left, but they were not so different that she did not know where she was. It was clear that precautions had been made for her return. The streets were mostly cleared, and few people were out to gawk at her. Meili and Niu stuck close to her, flanking her so that Delun and Nianzu could not get too close. The four of them escorted her all the way to the Beifong compound where more guards joined them. Delun led them through the familiar hallways, and Kuvira had to concentrate on her breathing to keep her anxiety at bay.

It was futile, however, when they turned the last corner to reveal Suyin herself waiting outside one of the suites. It was not the first time she had seen Suyin in the last ten years. There had been visits and letters. Most of them tense. The last one had been a month earlier as they arranged Kuvira's transfer.

Suyin nodded to the guards. "You may go now. Kuvira isn't going to do anything." Delun and the others bowed before dispersing. Meili and Niu stayed close to Kuvira.

"These two are mine," Kuvira said, wincing at the fact that those were her greeting words.

"I remember." Suyin had met them several times before. "The two of you are welcome to stay the night. There is another train back to Republic City this evening, but I know my sister would not mind if you waited until the morning."

"Thank you. Niu and I would like to stay with Kuvira just a while longer, but we will return tonight." Meili had a family to return to, Kuvira knew.

"Of course." Suyin then turned her attention to the woman who had caused all this. "Kuvira."

"Suyin." She no longer felt comfortable with Suyin's more familiar nickname. There was too much between them.

"This will be your room." She opened the door and allowed them inside. It was a small suite, but it had its own sitting and washroom. It would allow her privacy.

"Thank you." She hesitated before turning to Meili and Niu. "I would like to ask if I could have a moment alone with Suyin." The two guards nodded and stepped out, leaving Kuvira alone with the only person she had ever truly loved. The person who had hurt her the worst and whom she had tried to destroy. "I would like to thank you for this. For allowing me back in Zaofu. I know that I….that you had plenty of reason not to. I want you to know that I will do whatever I can to earn my keep."

Suyin regarded her carefully, her expression closed and guarded. "I debated with myself about it for a long time. I'm still not certain it was the right decision, but I was given a second chance when I did not deserve one. It would be hypocritical of me to refuse you the same chance." Kuvira did not let the brittle coldness in Suyin's voice bother her. It was an improvement over the unbridled hostility of a few years earlier.

"Still. It was very generous of you." Kuvira set her pack down on the bed and faced Suyin. "I wanted to ask if I was expected at dinner, or if I should stay away from the family."

Suyin frowned, thinking. "You know Jr. is living in Republic City now, as is Opal." Kuvira knew. She had heard about both their marriages. Bataar Jr.'s had not even stung. She had never really loved him that deeply, and she had let go of him long ago. He had served some time, not as much as she had, but he had still been punished. She supposed he deserved another chance as much as she did. He had a child now, with another on the way. Something she had never wanted. "And the twins are in Omashu. It's just Huan and Bataar Sr. here still. If you wanted to come to dinner, you will not be chased off."

"I assume it will be at the usual time?"

"Yes. I'll have a place set for you."

"Thank you."

Suyin hesitated, looking awkward for just a moment, as if she wanted to say something more. Instead she sighed and shook her head. "I'll leave you settle in. There are some stipulations to you being here, but we can go over those later. For now, I would ask that you stay in this wing."

"I will."

Suyin nodded, then left abruptly, leaving Kuvira with an aching longing in her chest. Of all the relationships she had ruined, none burned her like the one with Suyin. She had gained a friendship with Korra, had even become cordial with Lin Beifong, but Suyin was the one who really mattered. Suyin had always been the most important to her. The person whose approval and affection she had wanted above all others.

The few hours until dinner passed quickly as Kuvira put away her meager belongings and spent the afternoon with Meili and Niu. When they had to depart for the train station, Kuvira was left alone. But that was nothing new. She spent most of her time alone. In fact, she as starting to feel drained from all the interaction she had been forced into. Not drained enough to skip dinner, however. Knowing what the Beifongs wore, Kuvira grimaced at her own simple wardrobe. The best she had was a simple tunic and a loose pair of pants. Hardly up to Suyin's standards, but they would have to do.

Making sure that her hair was perfectly braided back (she noticed a few more strands of gray than had been there the year before), she made her way to the dining room.

When she entered, Bataar, Huan, and Suyin were already there. The former two froze momentarily as they saw her, but quickly recovered. They had known she would be coming, and Bataar even gave her a nod. She remembered how she had locked him in a cage, and his kindness constricted her throat.

"Where should I sit?"

"Here." Suyin pointed to the seat next to her, and Kuvira gingerly lowered herself into it.

The hall stayed quiet for a few minutes, painfully awkward silence pressing down on them, until Huan took the initiative to start describing his latest sculpture to his father. As the attention turned to him, Kuvira breathed a sigh of relief and focused on her meal. The food was much richer than what she was accustomed to, and she ate slowly and carefully, savoring the flavors. However, she was not unaware of Suyin watching her. The matriarch's eyes followed her every movement as her husband and son conversed.

"Mother?" They both glanced up, realizing that it was not the first time Huan had called for Suyin.

"Sorry, sweetheart. What is it?"

"I asked if you remembered that Yunru's parents are coming next week."

"Oh, yes. Everything is nearly ready." Suyin's face lit up as she looked at her son. "I'm very excited to finally meet them." Kuvira looked at her questioningly, and Suyin gave a wave of her hand. "Yunru is Huan's fiancé."

"Oh. Congratulations." Kuvira had always suspected that Huan was more interested in men than he ever was in women.

"Thanks." His reply was cool, but not hostile. He furrowed his brows and the way he watched her reminded her acutely of Suyin. "Do you want to meet him?"

Blinking in surprise, Kuvira looked to Suyin for guidance. The older woman shrugged her shoulders, leaving Kuvira to make the decision herself. "If you would like me to, I would be honored." Huan seemed pleased and nodded.

"He's away right now, but he'll be back next week when his parents come."

She wanted to ask if her presence would cause problems, but no one else had brought it up so she decided to leave it. Huan knew her reputation. If he had no concerns, then she would not worry on it either.

"Kuvira, are your rooms satisfactory?" This time it was Bataar who addressed her. His face was soft and kind, and she again wanted to wilt under her own shame. She could never be sorry for uniting the Earth Kingdom, for keeping it from imploding, but she would always regret the way she had handled the Beifongs, the way she had treated them and Zaofu. She would always regret the way things had ended.

"They are, thank you. They are more than enough." She politely bowed her head to him. Humility had been something hard learned for her. "I am accustomed to much less."

"We are not in the habit of allowing guests to go without," Bataar said with a small smile. They all knew she was not a guest, but she appreciated his attempts at normalcy. "Please let us know if there is anything you need."

"I will." She tried not to shift uncomfortably as the attention was back on her. She had nothing to talk about, nothing to contribute. She was waiting for the ball to drop, for the verbal attacks to start. For them to ask her what the hell she thought she was doing there. But none of that came. They just returned to their meals, letting the quiet settle as they ate.

As she knew was customary, the cook brought out an experimental dessert, which Kuvira was unsure she could stomach. However, she knew that she had to try in order to be polite. As she played with her food, Bataar decided to make conversation.

"So, Kuvira, Suyin tells us that you've been working with charities in Republic City."

"Yes. I've been working with the Avatar on different ways to pay my reparations. Rebuilding, setting up shelters. Working with the spirit wilds. It has been a learning experience for me. To see so many people who have so little. To realize how much I took from them even as I was trying to give the Earth Kingdom more. It has been humbling."

Bataar nodded seriously. "We realized after everything that happened, that you were partially right." He glanced at Suyin who was glowering but silent. "We have kept too much to ourselves here in Zaofu. That's why we've been working the past ten years on sharing our technology and wealth with the other states."

Surprised, Kuvira looked back to Suyin, who reluctantly nodded. "That…pleases me. That's all I ever wanted, was for our people to be taken care of." She sighed. "I know I went about it the wrong way. I let the power get to me and change me." She did not need to apologize. That had been done years ago. She and Suyin were past that. But Bataar and Huan deserved to hear her reasoning behind her actions. "I lost myself, but I was trying to do something good."

"We realized that," Bataar said. "It's the past now, and all we can do is learn from our mistakes." Kuvira was about to answer when Suyin suddenly pushed back her chair and stormed from the room. Startled, Kuvira watched her leave, looking to Bataar for explanation. He sighed and shook his head. "Don't worry about it too much. She's….She doesn't like admitting that we have any culpability. She knows we do, but it's…hard."

"I understand." Her appetite was gone, though, and she suddenly felt incredibly tired. "I think I will retire to my room for the night. It's been a long day. Thank you for your hospitality and your graciousness. I know you did not have to accept me here at the table." She made sure to include Huan, too, nodding to him. "I will always be grateful for that. For you allowing me back into your home. I will do my best to deserve this consideration."

"We'll make things right," Bataar promised. Kuvira gave a curt nod, not trusting herself to speak, and left for her rooms.

She slept poorly. It was probably due to being in a new place and the rich food she had consumed. Whatever the reason, she tossed and turned and was plagued by the nightmares that had been her companions for the last decade.

Waking up in a cold sweat with her stomach rolling, Kuvira leaned over the side of the bed to take deep, calming breaths like Korra had taught her. Knowing that she would not be able to sleep again that night, Kuvira slipped on her shoes and decided to take a walk around her wing. She knew she could not go outside or stray too far, but anything was more freedom than she was used to. Though it was a small wing, Kuvira made several walking laps around it. Once her legs felt stretched and her heart had settled, she took the time to admire the artwork that was on the walls. It seemed that Suyin had begun collecting paintings, and Kuvira stepped closer to the one nearest her. It was abstract, full of greens and yellows. It reminded her of flowers and fields and calm.

"Huan painted that."

Kuvira jumped, whirling around to see Suyin standing in the hallway behind her. Her cheeks burned at being snuck up on. That should not have happened. Prison had dulled her senses.

"It's lovely."

Suyin did not answer immediately. Instead, she came up to stand next to Kuvira, her eyes on the painting. "He's very talented. As you know." Neither of them spoke for a while. Kuvira had not been so close to Suyin in ten years, and she found that her body was drawn to the older woman. She wanted to move closer, to touch her. So few people had touched her during her incarceration, and hardly ever in a way that was not hostile. She remembered acutely the hugs that she had received from Suyin all those years ago. The pats on the shoulder for a job well done. The occasional peck on the cheek in greeting or parting. She missed the physical intimacy of being part of Suyin's life. Missed it so much more than she missed Bataar Jr.

Finally, Suyin spoke again. "Could you not sleep?"

"It's been a long time since I slept in a bed so comfortable. And a long time since I've had such rich food." Kuvira tilted her head. "It will just take me a while to settle." The awkwardness grew between them, and Kuvira shifted nervously.

"I felt your restlessness," Suyin told her, softly. "I was working late. My office is close….well, you know where it is. I felt you. I wasn't sure if you would want me to come down here." The way she used to. When Kuvira was a teenager, angry about her parents leaving her. When she had spent weeks on end sleeping less than four hours a night. When she had needed silent support. Suyin had been there. Not a parent. Not a mother. But a friend. A mentor.

"I had not expected it." She felt so young. The yearning inside her was so unexpected. "It's been a long time, and I am no longer an angry teenager trying to figure out why no one wanted me."

The pain that flitted across Suyin's face hit Kuvira deep in her chest. The pain laced in Suyin's next words stunned her. "I _always_ wanted you." Kuvira turned to look at her, chest tight as she took in the agony in Suyin's eyes. "I always wanted you to be part of my family. I didn't know how to do it, how to bring you in. It never worked how I thought it would, and I could never quite figure out how to change things, and I know that's on me. I should have done more, done better. But, spirits, Kuvira, I always wanted you."

"Su." Kuvira's throat closed over the words she wanted to say. There were so many things she could blame on Suyin. So many of her own issues and failings. But those things did not seem to matter anymore. They were in the past, things that could not be changed. They were not things to be ignored, and Kuvira knew they would have to be addressed at some point, but at that moment, as she stepped forward, into Suyin's space, all she could think was that everything in her life had always come down to this woman. Everything she had done had in some way come back to Suyin Beifong. And so she accepted the arms that opened for her, letting Suyin wrap her in a tight embrace. For a moment everything was stiff and wrong, but then they both relaxed. Kuvira pressed her face into Suyin's shoulder, letting her body accept the contact.

Suyin's breath tickled her ear. "I missed you," the older woman whispered. Kuvira remembered their first meeting after everything had settled, after she had been imprisoned. She remembered Suyin's callous accusations, her cutting remarks, her blazing anger and betrayal. She remembered her own insistence that Suyin was to blame for her actions. Her righteous anger at how she had been treated. The betrayal she still felt at Suyin's assassination attempt. She remembered all of that, but those three words soothed the pain in her heart.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry for everything."

"I know. I am, too." Suyin placed a hand on top of Kuvira's head, caressing her hair. Kuvira had never been prone to physical affection, but she needed this. She needed to know that Suyin…that their relationship could recover.

She was the first to pull away, however, not wanting to push Suyin for more than either of them could handle. Clearing her throat, she looked back to the painting. "I'm happy for Huan. Getting married. Will that be all of them married off?"

Suyin shook her head. "No. Wei isn't interested in marriage. He prefers keeping to himself and playing the uncle to Wing's kid." She clasped her hands behind her back. "I'm sorry for walking out at dinner. I thought…I thought I was ready to have you here. I thought I would be able to pretend everything was fine. I should have known better." One hand lifted as though she wanted to reach out to Kuvira, but she let it drop just as suddenly. "I don't know how to do this."

Kuvira wished that she could lift the intense pressure that was crushing her chest. Why did everything with Suyin have to hurt so much? "How to do what?"

"I don't know how to have you here. You're not my daughter." Kuvira flinched violently at the blunt proclamation of what she had always known and felt. "You never were. You always rejected my attempts to bring you into the family. I asked you to live with us, but you wanted to stay in the barracks. Even as a child, you never wanted me to be your mother."

"I didn't want new parents," Kuvira told her. This conversation was about twenty years overdue. "I wanted my own to come back for me. I wanted them to love me. I was too angry to…to let you be my parent."

"I know. So I never pushed. Perhaps I should have, I don't know. I never had a good example to follow. My own mother was…I love her, but she was never what Lin and I needed." Suyin turned to lean against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. At fifty-eight, she still had an athletic, strong body, though her face was more lined and her hair a lighter gray than it had been the last time Kuvira had been in Zaofu. "I tried to be better for my children, but I know I have my own special brand of failings. So I didn't do for you what I should have. It's an excuse, but I did try. I thought I was doing what was best. You reminded me of myself, but also of Lin. And I knew how much Lin resented our mother. I didn't want to cause that in you." Swallowing hard, Suyin bent her chin down to her chest. "I treated you as a student. My favorite student, my protégé. I thought that would be enough. I know now that it wasn't. I know you don't feel like it, and I know that my actions ten years ago contradict this, but…you are family. I don't know in what capacity, but you are. At least to me." She looked back up at Kuvira, her eyes brimming with tears. "I should have given you the same chances I gave Jr. I should never have turned my back on you. I'm sorry."

Through her haze of emotion, Kuvira tried to grasp the words she so desperately wanted to say. "I was so angry with you. For doing nothing. But I've had ten years to realize my own responsibility. No one made me react the way I did. No one made me hurt people. At some point, I have to take responsibility for my own actions." She stared intently at Huan's painting, unable to look at Suyin just yet. "When Lin told me that you would be willing to take me back…I didn't know what to expect. I don't know how to be part of a family. You are right. You were never my mother. Your children were never my siblings. I think…I was going to…" Kuvira cut herself off. She was not quite ready to discuss her relationship with Jr. just yet. Not with his mother. "Zaofu has always been my home. I'm grateful you have given me the opportunity to come back."

"You've been making atonements." Suyin quickly wiped away her tears. "I'm trying to do the same."

Kuvira nodded.

"I realize that I haven't…we haven't gone over the ground rules for you being here." Suyin seemed to shake herself, her demeanor growing slightly cooler. "You will be confined to our compound unless accompanied by myself, Bataar, or one of my guards. While you are in the compound, however, you may roam freely. You will be helping me develop strategies for bringing the wealth of Zaofu to the other states as part of your community service. I would ask that you try not to mingle in the population too much until people grow accustomed to having you here."

"Of course."

"The Avatar has agreed to come once a month to continue with your spiritual healing, and she may bring you back to Republic City periodically to continue the work you've been doing with her. Other than that, you may do what you wish."

"Am I allowed to practice my bending?"

Suyin frowned. "I don't see why not. So long as you're supervised." She tilted her head apologetically. "To make people feel better. I trust you not to do anything. Not when you've complied with all your sentences so far. We'll work out a schedule."

"Thank you."

"Will you be able to sleep tonight?"

"Not likely." Kuvira had entertained the idea of lying to Suyin, but she knew it would have been pointless. Suyin knew her.

"Do you…."Suying let out a frustrated sigh, and her next words came out almost comically aggressive and mumbled. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No," Kuvira said, her mouth twitching in an almost smile. "I will be fine. I just need to settle in."

"All right. Well. Bataar will be worried about me. I should go." Suyin laid a hand on Kuvira's shoulder. "If you need…Sleep well." She squeezed Kuvira's shoulder and left.

As she watched Suyin walk away, Kuvira thought maybe she could figure this out. Maybe she could have a second chance.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** This is once again only read by my eyes, so excuse any mistakes. I'm not sure if I'm handling the pacing well, or whatever. I have to figure out how to move the plot on so that we can get to the good, angsty emotional stuff.

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><p>After an hour of wandering around her rooms, trying to figure out something to do, Kuvira decided to see if anyone else was awake. It was barely past dawn, and she knew Huan and Bataar Sr. liked to sleep in. But there were guards and workers and…well, she did not think she should get her hopes up for Suyin. Late night conversations did not always carry over into the next day. Despite what progress they may have made the night before, Kuvira knew that she and Suyin had a long was to go, and that she could not push the relationship. It would have to be a long and slow road to recovery for them. They would have to be careful. If they ran before they walked, they could end up stumbling and falling.<p>

She had almost forgotten how large the Beifong complex was, and as she walked around, she realized just how confined she had been the last ten years. Certainly, she had been able to venture into Republic City, but always with the Avatar or Chief Beifong as escorts and always in corded off areas. She had not been allowed to roam unaccompanied, and she had not even registered how much she missed being alone. Alone without being confined to a cell, that was. She had quite enough solitary confinement to last her a lifetime.

Several guards were in the practice yard by the time she found herself there (she had not meant to come there, but her feet had decided for her). They glanced up at her approach, but then continued with their sparring. Kuvira had expected to feel a deep longing as she watched them, but she found she no longer desired the life of a Zaofu soldier. True, she missed sparring and she missed the freedom of unrestricted bending. She missed waking up early and feeling the earth and metal bend to her will. But she did not miss the lifestyle. She wanted something different now.

After she had been watching them for a while, a young woman approached her. "You're Kuvira, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"I'm Hua. Suyin said you would probably be out here. She said if you wanted to practice or spar, you could as long as I'm out here."

The girl could be no older than twenty, and Kuvira almost bristled at the thought of someone so young being 'in charge' of her. But she quickly let go of that. Suyin was always cultivating young talent, and Kuvira had been in that position herself. There was no need to be offended.

"It's been a while since I sparred. I think I'll just practice my forms for now."

Hua gave her a bright smile. "Okay! I'll be out here for another hour probably. Just let me know if you change your mind about sparring."

"I will." Kuvira watched her go, wondering if she had ever possessed so much restless energy. Probably. When Hua had rejoined the other guards, Kuvira stripped off her outer tunic, leaving her in a tank top. It was a warm morning, and she knew from experience that working through her forms would cause her to grow uncomfortably hot. When she had been the Great Uniter, she had always sacrificed her comfort for the authority her uniform provided. That was no longer necessary.

Aware that the other people in the yard had stopped to watch her, Kuvira moved through her forms with a methodical patience that she had learned to rely on to keep her emotions in check. Nothing she did was particularly impressive. She no longer felt a burning need to prove herself better than everyone. She knew how good she was. And she also knew that ten years in prison without being able to bend regularly would have atrophied her abilities. All she wanted now was to regain her previous abilities. It seemed that her refusal to do anything outstanding had lost the interest of her onlookers, and they returned soon ignored her.

When Hua approached her again to say she had to report to her station, Kuvira thanked her and made to put her tunic back on.

"Wait, Kuvira." Suyin was approaching her. "If you still want to practice, I have some time to stay with you."

"Thank you. I think, though, that I am done for now." She finished tying the fastens of her shirt and bowed slightly to Suyin.

"None of that, Kuvira," Suyin said with a frown and a wave of her hand. "Anyway, lunch will be in a few hours, and I expect you to be-"

"Su!"

They both turned at the high voice to see a young girl, no older than ten, trotting towards them, Bataar Sr. trailing behind her. Suyin stiffened as first surprise, then panic, then anger flitted across her face. She intercepted the girl and stalked over to Bataar.

"I thought I told you to keep her away until later," she hissed. Kuvira had never heard her speak to Bataar in such a way.

"I tried. She got away from me. I didn't realize Kuvira would still be out here. When she saw you she… well you know how she is." He glanced at Kuvira, worried.

Suyin sighed, her shoulders sagging. "Doesn't matter now. Kuvira, this is Kaori." The girl beamed up at Kuvira, who was waiting for an explanation as to why the child had apparently been kept away from her.

"Hi, Kuvira!"

"Hello." She stared hard at Suyin, knowing in her gut that she would not like what she was about to hear.

"Kuvira," Suyin began slowly, in a tone that suggested she really, really, really, hoped that Kuvira would not become upset. "Kaori is our ward. Her parents died a couple of years ago, and we took her in."

Kuvira's entire body seized up as she stared at Suyin. "Oh."

"Kuvira-"

"I'm fine. It's fine." She took a jerking step back, away from the outstretched hand Suyin tried to place on her arm.

"Kuvira, please, it's not like it was with you." Suyin winced as Kuvira flinched, the words cutting her more surely than any blade.

"I see. Yes. No, of course. That's fine." She swallowed and gave Kaori a small bow. "Nice to meet you Kaori. I have to go." Ignoring Suyin's calls, Kuvira darted away, not quite running, but lengthening her stride to take her away from the unexpected pain.

"Kuvira, come back! Wait!" Suyin doggedly followed. "Kuvira!"

"It's fine," Kuvira called over her shoulder.

"Kuvira, please wait." Suyin began jogging to catch up, coming up beside Kuvira. "Please, Kuvira. It's different with her."

"No, I understand. It's fine. I know I was difficult. She's clearly not as angry. Easier to love."

"Spirits, Kuvira." Suyin's hand found her shoulder and spun her around so that they were facing each other. "We took her in because no one else could or would. I wasn't trying to replace you. I could never replace you. And yes, I've learned from the mistakes we made with you. I'm trying to be better for her and not fail her the way I failed you. But Kuvira, it was never hard to love you." Suyin reached out to touch Kuvira's face, but the younger woman jerked back her head, putting a hand up between them.

"Please don't. Don't patronize me." Kuvira took a deep breath, fighting for her control. It was so much harder these days. Used to, she had such a lock on it, such control over her features, her actions. But now, the nervous energy of her youth was returned to her.

"I thought we talked about this last night," Suyin said. "You're family to me. I love you."

Kuvira let out a barking laugh that startled them both. "Did you love me when you tried to kill me in my sleep?"

Suyin's face hardened. "I already apologized for that. I think we were even when you tried to kill me and my entire family with your spirit weapon."

"Right. Of course." She turned away, but could not bring herself to leave. Hesitantly, Suyin reached out to touch her again, laying a hand on her shoulder.

"Please look at me."

Reluctantly, Kuvira obeyed. Suyin's face had softened again. Her eyes searched Kuvira's, and she let her hand slide down to take Kuvira's own.

"I do love you. I've made mistakes. I haven't shown it as I should. There is so much to overcome between us. But I love you. I always have. I can love you and still love Kaori. It's a different kind of love, and I'm not limited to a certain number of people."

"I wasn't…ready."

"I know. You weren't supposed to meet her like that. I wanted to prepare you. That's why she wasn't at dinner last night. I thought it would be too much too soon." Suyin sighed. "She's been so excited to meet you. She's a bender, and she's wants to show you what she can do."

Kuvira had a flash of a young Opal trying so hard to make earth move the way her brothers did. She remembered consoling the girl, assuring her that bending wasn't everything, that she was just as awesome as her brothers. She remembered Wing and Wei excitedly fighting over who would get to show her their new trick first. She remembered being on the fringe. Almost a family member, but not quiet. Someone who was only half included. A friend, maybe more, but not a sibling. She did not know if she could do that again.

Suyin must have followed her train of thought because she squeezed Kuvira's hand where it still rested between her own. "If that's too much for you, I can make excuses. I've already explained to her that you may prefer to be alone. That you're not used to being around children."

"I will think about it," Kuvira finally said.

"All right." Suyin pulled back, giving Kuvira her space. "I noticed you didn't bring much with you from Republic City."

"They don't exactly allow you to keep a lot of personal possessions in prison.

"Of course. What I was getting at was that I called my tailor to have clothes made for you."

"Su, that's not-"

"It is. You need workout clothes if you're going to be practicing bending. And you can't just have two outfits, or whatever it is you brought. You're so much like Lin that way." Suyin huffed at the thought of her sister. It made the hurt and anxiety that Kaori had caused to soothe away in Kuvira. Instead, affection bubbled inside her. Affection for this complicated woman before her, who she still cared for despite all they had been through. "It's no trouble. She's coming by this afternoon. I…well I noticed that you've lost weight, so I didn't have the right measurements or I wouldn't bother you with it."

Kuvira absolutely hated that the changes to her body were so apparent. She had lost muscle mass, but also some of the softness around her hips, fat from her breasts. She felt thin and stretched out, bony where she should have been strong. She had never been terribly vain, but she did wish that she still had her pre-prison figure. She wished she still looked strong.

"I wasn't afforded the quality food that I was accustomed to here," Kuvira said softly, trying to make light. Suyin's brows furrowed, though, and she did not smile.

"Well. You will not have to worry about that anymore. You can eat what you want and train when you want. Well, so long as there's supervision. I've put aside time in the mornings. I know you'd rather not be under one of my guards."

"It honestly wouldn't be a problem."

"Either way, once you get back into shape, none of them would be a challenging enough sparring partner."

"And you would be?" Kuvira did grin here, easily slipping back into the teasing and taunting that had always accompanied their sparring sessions.

Suyin smirked. "You know I am."

"Then I will make sure to train hard to prove you wrong."

"Excellent. Now, I have to go…make sure that Kaori isn't upset." Suyin's smile fell as she looked behind her to where Bataar and the girl still stood on the practice yard. "She can be very sensitive."

Swallowing the lingering pain, Kuvira bit her lip. "I could…talk with her. Assure her that everything is all right?"

"I don't want to ask you do to that."

"I'm volunteering."

"If you're certain. That would probably be best." Suyin led the way, and Kuvira could see the worry etched in Kaori's face, her bright amber eyes showing her Fire Nation heritage. The girl stepped up to meet them.

"I'm sorry if I said something wrong. I didn't mean to upset you."

Kuvira shook her head. "You didn't. I was just…surprised to meet you, that's all." She knew she should say more to put the child at ease, but she did not have the words or the energy. Luckily, Suyin covered for her.

"You know we talked about this. Kuvira hasn't been around a lot of people for a while. She just needs to get used to it again."

"Okay." Kaori offered Kuvira a smile, which the other woman tried to return without looking too awkward. "Su, can I practice bending with you and Kuvira tomorrow?"

With a slight panicked look, Suyin glanced at Kuvira. "I don't know if-"

"It's fine with me," Kuvira interrupted, giving Kaori a small nod.

"Then, I suppose you can. Now, it will be very early. Kuvira likes to get up with the sun."

Kaori made a face, wrinkling her nose, but she resolutely said, "I can do it."

"All right. Don't complain in the morning when you're still sleepy, though." Suyin gave her a wink, and Kuvira felt it like a punch to the stomach. She wondered if that would ever stop. If she would ever be able to fully let go of her jealousy. She did not want to be Suyin's daughter, but she desperately craved the closeness that Kaori was provided. She wanted to be that important to Suyin, to be someone who was freely given smiles and winks. But Suyin had said she loved her. That was a start. "Now, I do believe you have lessons to do." Suyin raised a brow at Kaori, who groaned dramatically. "Off you go, young lady. Go, and I will see you at lunch."

"Will Kuvira be there?"

"Yes. You can talk to her later." Suyin tweaked her nose, then gave her a soft shove towards the compound. "I expect you to work hard."

"I will." She gave Kuvira a wave. "I'll see you at lunch!" And she skipped away. Bataar waited for a moment.

"I'm sorry about that," he said to both of them. "I know that wasn't how you wanted that to happen."

Suyin shook her head. "It's fine now. I'm sorry I snapped at you." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before following Kaori. Kuvira looked away from their affection, not liking the hot jealousy that flared in her. She had never wanted affection so acutely. Not like this. Not to the point where it affected her ability to control her emotions. "Kuvira? Are you all right?"

"Yes. Fine."

Suyin did not look like she believed that at all, but she let it slide. "I have a few meetings this morning. You're welcome to accompany me, or you can entertain yourself." Kuvira had accompanied Suyin to many meetings in the past as Captain of her guard. Her immediate reaction was to agree, to go with Suyin, to stay by her side. It would have been so easy to fall back into that dynamic. But Kuvira thought of all the socialization she would be doing that day. The meals with the family, dealing with the tailor. She knew that it would drain her. It would take her a long time to become accustomed to being around people regularly again.

"I think that I will explore the library this morning instead. Thank, though, for the offer."

"I suppose going back to old times was too much to hope for," Suyin said with a sad smile.

"Things are different now."

"Yes. We'll find a place for you."

First, though, Kuvira had to figure out what she wanted. What she wanted to do with her life. Ha. Almost forty, and just now thinking about what she wanted to do when she grew up. It had always been 'lead Zaofu after Suyin.' Then it had been 'unite and lead the Earth Kingdom.' Then it was just 'survive.' And finally, she had settled on 'repent and rebuild.' Now…well, now she did not know what she wanted. She knew she wanted to do good. She had always wanted to do good. But since she had been working with Korra, she finally knew how to go about it in a productive way that did not hurt other people. She just did not know how to translate that into things she could do at Zaofu.

She felt so lost.

"Actually," she said, an idea forming. "Is there any maintenance work that needs to be done? Anything that needs to be fixed or cleaned? It doesn't matter how large or how small."

Suyin seemed surprised by her request, but her brows knitted together in thought. "We're remodeling Bataar's office. It's slow going because of other projects in the city. It's been put on the back burner."

"I could do that. It would give me something productive to do."

"All right. Let me show you…Ah. Well, you know where it is. I can walk you there, if you'd like." Suyin saw her hesitation. "To get past anyone in the hall who might give you a hard time."

"Okay." She followed Suyin into the nearest building. No one bothered her while she was with Suyin. She received plenty of curious looks, but no one seemed brave enough to approach them. Kuvira wondered if Suyin had prepared them. Then she shook her head. Of course Suyin had prepared them. Suyin would have taken every precaution to make Kuvira's return to Zaofu as smooth and uneventful as possible. Despite their personal issues, Suyin had always fostered an environment of forgiveness and second chances in Zaofu. Kuvira knew it was different with her. She had personally wronged the citizens of Zaofu, but then again, she had once been one of them. It was a complicated situation that required…delicacy.

"Bataar has wanted a change for a while," Suyin was saying as they walked. "His office has looked the same since before you…well, since before you were Captain." She looked resolutely forward, glancing over the possible sticky conversation about the last time Kuvira was in Zaofu. "He has the plans in there still, so you should be able to follow them."

"Is he all right with me coming in here and doing this?"

"It's fine," Suyin said with a careless wave of her hand. "If it makes you feel better, I'll mention it to him so he's no surprised."

Kuvira nodded. She had never been as close to Bataar Sr. He tended to stay wrapped up in his work. Suyin had always been the Beifong she was closest to. Closer than she was to Bataar Jr. She knew that. She had always known that. While she had been prepared to marry Jr., she had never been willing to share the most vulnerable parts of herself with him. Of course, she had never wanted to share her vulnerabilities with anyone, not even Suyin. But somehow, Suyin knew them anyway. It wasn't that Suyin was exceptionally perceptive. She could be, but she also tended to wear blinders to certain realities. Something that had always irritated Kuvira. No, Suyin's perceptions were always singularly accurate when it came to Kuvira. No matter the times Kuvira had tried to keep herself from Suyin, keep her emotions and motivations and desires from being apparent, Suyin had usually known.

"Well, here we are." Suyin's voice wrenched her out of her thoughts. They were standing outside of Bataar's office. The door was open and clear plastic was hanging over holes in the walls, building materials scattered around the room. It was a mess. Suyin strode over to the desk, which had been pushed into the middle of the room along with the rest of the furniture, and picked up two rolls of plans. She opened them and spread them out, waving Kuvira over to look at them. "This wall needs to be opened up. He's expanding into the next room. Normally, I'd have two or three people working on this to make sure the structure stays sound, but I know your skills. You can handle this on your own. Don't take it all at once. Go little by little. There's no rush."

Kuvira studied the plans. She had seen enough of Bataar Jr.'s work to know what all the lines and symbols and keys meant. She knew where weight bearing loads were marked, and she could read how Bataar Sr. intended the changes to be made. "I can do this."

"Good. Don't get too involved. Kaori is expecting you at lunch." Suyin sighed softly, growing serious. "I really am sorry that you had to meet her that way."

"You never mentioned her before." There had been letters over the last few years. A couple of in person visits when Suyin had come to Republic City. They had talked. And Kuvira thought that Kaori was important enough to have been mentioned at some point in all that. If she truly was to be treated as Suyin's child. If the situation truly was different than it had been with Kuvira.

"I didn't know how," Suyin admitted. "Every time I thought of doing it…It always seemed like it would be a slap in the face for you. Bragging or…or showing her off. I don't know. I never found the right way. It didn't feel right to say it in a letter. Cowardly." Kuvira distinctly remembered calling Suyin a coward long ago. Something she knew wasn't true, but at the time she had thought so. "Telling you in person felt like…like I was gloating. You were in prison and my life was continuing with no consequences for the mistakes I had made. People in the United Republic saw me as a hero. The people in the Earth states were too busy trying to function independently to see me as anything. I was able to go back to my life. I didn't…it took so long for me to even come see you, and then it took so long for me to stop throwing accusations at you every chance I got. I didn't want to send us backwards."

"Probably wise." Kuvira swallowed, hating how emotional she had been since arriving in Zaofu. She had known it would be hard, that her cool exterior would not be able to stay unwavering. "I can't say how I would have reacted." She could feel how badly Suyin wanted to reach out to her. Her body language was transparent, her hand clenched tight at her side to keep it still. Kuvira appreciated that she refrained. Though she was growing more comfortable with Suyin, though they seemed to be moving forward, she knew she was not ready for those casual displays of affection, those offhanded touched that Suyin was so fond of. Suyin knew, too. She knew that Kuvira had never been one to accept physical contact readily. Outside of sparring, at least.

It had been different before. Thirteen years earlier, when Kuvira was in her twenties, when she was dancing with Suyin, when she was not as hard and jaded. In those days, she had more easily accepted Suyin's affection. It had been easy. And now…now she wanted it, but couldn't accept it. She wanted Suyin to touch her, but she knew it would destroy her carefully cultivated control. Perhaps when she was more…settled. Perhaps then, she could accept that affection. When she was certain it would not be snatched away again.

"I wasn't…trying to hide her," Suyin continued. "I just wanted to tread lightly. Anyway." She glanced at the clock on the desk. "I do have a meeting to get to."

"Of course. I'll be fine here."

"I'll see you at lunch." Suyin gave her a nod then left her alone in the office.

Once she was alone, Kuvira surveyed the room. Beneath all the plastic, it was the same office she had known thirteen years before when she had still been Suyin's Captain. And that was to say, boring. Bataar Sr. and Suyin had such excellent taste, that it always baffled Kuvira to see Bataar Sr.'s office. It was nice, it was functional, it had pleasing colors. But it did not fit with the cutting edge architecture the rest of Zaofu showed. And now it was nearly fifteen years out of date, behind the times. She supposed there had been more important things to worry about in that time. Spreading the wealth, sharing technology with the other Earth states.

Of course, a boring décor to match Bataar Sr.'s boring personality.

Kuvira sighed. That was untrue. Bataar was kind, and that was not the same thing as boring. He was soft and caring in all the ways that Suyin (and Kuvira herself) were sharp and hard. Just because he did not have ruthlessness inside him did not mean he was boring. Or that he wasn't brave. She had worked hard for a long time to combat her natural tendency towards judgment and disdain. It was unfair and did nothing but create a toxic headspace for her.

Or so Korra and Kya said. Waterbenders could be so irritatingly right in matters of health, both physical and mental.

After she felt confident in her understanding of Bataar Sr.'s plans, Kuvira removed all of the plastic covers from the wall that needed to be removed. She carefully folded them into neat piles with crisp corners. She had given up on much of her need for order, but some things still remained. A healthier amount. Not everything had to be controlled. But that did not mean she had to succumb to chaos.

Takin a deep breath, Kuvira dropped into a traditional earthbending stance. As the Great Uniter, she had used metalbending first and foremost, which did not require the same sort of discipline. It was a more fluid style of bending. But for this, she would need to rely on basics. Closing her eyes to get a better feel, Kuvira jabbed up with her closed fists, satisfied as a hole opened at the base of the wall. She could have easily taken down the entire thing, but that would have caused instability. Slowly, she widened the hole, mindful of the growing pile of rubble she left in her wake.

"Excuse me! What do you think-Oh. Kuvira, it's you." Bataar stood in the doorway, clutching an armful of papers and scrolls. Kuvira straightened, her hands held in front of her to show she was not about to do anything hostile. A habit she had picked up over the years in prison. His eyes fell to her hands, and he frowned. "What are you doing in here?" He studied the hole she was making, brows furrowed.

"Su told me you wouldn't mind if I completed this." Her hands were still outstretched, and Bataar took a step towards her, angling his head down to indicate her posture.

"I trust you," was all he said, and Kuvira nodded, letting her hands drop. "You want to finish my office?"

"I want to keep busy. Su said she would tell you."

"Ah. Well…I haven't seen Su in a while. She must have gotten sidetracked. Anyway, I certainly won't stop you. I just needed to get something from my desk." He juggled his load, shifting a few scrolls. Kuvira finally decided to offer her help, and closed into his personal space to take a few scrolls from him. "Thank you." He gave her a small smile. "I keep thinking that I've gotten everything out of here that I need, but then I keep forgetting things." He bent over the desk, pulling out drawers until her let out a triumphant exclamation. "Ah ha! Here it is." He held up what looked to Kuvira to be a very ordinary ruler, and she could not keep the confusion from her face.

"What is it?"

"This is a ruler."

"Oh." Well. Somehow she had expected a different answer. "I can see that."

"It also happens to be my favorite ruler because it has three different forms of measurement on it, see?" He held it up so that she could lean over and inspect it. "Our standard measurements, of course, metric measurements, and my favorite. Ancient Earth Kingdom measurements. Based on a previous Avatar's finger width. I needed this one because last week, I decided to write all my measurements that way." He grinned. "In hindsight, I should have seen what a headache that would cause."

Kuvira just nodded, unsure what to say. She was awkward under the best social circumstances, and this was hardly an ideal interaction. But Bataar did not seemed perturbed. He actually seemed even more dedicated than Suyin to making Kuvira feel welcome.

"I can take those back now," he said, pointing to the scrolls in her arms. She carefully transferred them back to him. "I know Su has probably already said this, but I am sorry about this morning."

"It's fine."

"I know it's not." His shoulders sagged just a bit. "I know that we messed up with you. With how we handled everything. We're trying to do better with Kaori."

"I know." It came out more irritated than Kuvira had intended. She took a deep breath. "I've already spoken with Su about it."

"Of course. We don't have to talk about it. I will leave you to it, then. Let me know if you have questions or need anything." He gave her another small, lopsided smile before retreating back into the hall.

For a long while after he was gone, Kuvira stood still, staring after him.

No, Bataar Sr. wasn't boring at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**: There is a trigger warning for a panic attack here. I think some people may disagree with how I characterize Kuvira in this chapter, but I'm trying to judge how ten years in prison would have changed her.

* * *

><p>Bataar's office only took her the one day to finish. He was impressed. She was not. It should have gone faster, but she had to take more breaks than she would have liked. The level of bending had not tired her. It was minimal. But the mental concentration had really strained her.<p>

Of course, when she had returned after lunch, she had been emotionally distressed.

Lunch had been hard.

It had not been bad, per se. Nothing had happened to cause any sort of blowout, but Kuvira had felt supremely uncomfortable the entire time as she watched Suyin and Bataar and Huan converse easily and naturally with Kaori. As she watched Kaori be welcomed and included at the family table. It brought back too many memories, too much resentment and pain, as she had assumed it would. She had done her best to be civil towards Kaori. She knew children picked up on mood shifts rather quickly, and she never wanted the girl to feel like she had done something wrong. None of this was her fault.

Regardless, Kuvira had been glad to get away and finish up the office. She had forgotten, however, that she would be training with Kaori and Su the next day. Which had gone only somewhat better than lunch. At least while she was bending, Kuvira had something besides her painful awkwardness to focus on. Kaori was sweet, and she was so eager to be friends with Kuvira. It was exhausting to stay cheerful with her.

So Kuvira had gone in search of more projects around the compound to complete. Turned out that there was plenty to do around Zaofu. Plenty of things with which to occupy herself. To keep her mind off of Suyin. For a week, she trained with Suyin and Kaori in the mornings, keeping quiet usually as the girl chattered. Then she would spend some time seeking out different projects to put her effort into. A usually awkward lunch, followed by more work or a trip to the library. She had accompanied Suyin to one meeting, and had found it no longer to her liking. Politics were not something she wanted to regain an interest in. Dinner was usually better than lunch. Kaori was often tired from her day and did not expect as much interaction from Kuvira. All in all, she thought things were going rather well.

Until the day before Huan's fiancé and his parents were supposed to arrive.

She was in an unused wing of the complex, preparing it to be converted into guest rooms, when Suyin found her. Kuvira knew immediately from the expression on the older woman's face that the news would not be good, and she wondered if she would ever be given more than a few days of peace before something else threatened her emotional state.

"Su?"

"I'm sorry."

Kuvira stiffened. Those were never good words when starting a conversation, and they were especially when coming from Suyin Beifong who never apologized for anything if she could help it. "What's happened?"

"I didn't know he…Jr. is here. Bataar Jr. is here."

The words did not immediately register for Kuvira, and she blinked stupidly as she stared at Suyin. "What?"

"Jr. came in on the train this morning from Republic City. He's here to meet Yunru's parents." Suyin took a step towards her, carefully assessing Kuvira's reactions. "I promise you, I didn't know he was coming."

"He's here?"

"Yes. He told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't going to make it, but he changed his mind." She looked as if she desperately wanted to reach for Kuvira, but knew that would be disastrous.

"Does he know _I'm_ here?"

"Yes."

Kuvira shook her head, trying to process. She feared she was about to have a panic attack. Those happened now and then since her defeat. "I…He's here right now?"

"Yes."

Counting to ten and focusing on her breathing, she said, "What…what do you want me to do?"

Suyin frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…I don't want to…I don't want things to be…" Kuvira trailed off, lifting her hands helplessly. Her heart beat furiously, and she was sure she would start shaking soon. "I don't know what to do."

"I don't want to ask you to hide," Suyin said. "I won't ask you to stay confined to your wing of the building. He's my son, and I love him, and I'm not going to ask him to leave either. I hardly ever get to see him, and he's brought…he's brought his wife and daughter. I want to spend time with them."

Cheeks burning for a reason she could not identify, a reason that had nothing to do with her growing anxiety, Kuvira ground out, "Of course. I would n-never have expected you to-to tell him to leave. This is h-his home, more…more than it is m-mine." Her voice caught, and she knew she was about to lose control.

"No. Not more. Equally. He is welcome here, as are you." Suyin placed her hands on her hips, accentuating her still trim waist under her loose clothes. "I just want to avoid any unnecessary drama with Yunru's parents coming." Suyin's eyes travelled over her face, realizing that Kuvira was struggling. "Kuvira. Look at me. Look here." She carefully took Kuvira's face in her hands, forcing her to keep eyes contact. "Take a deep breath with me." Together, they inhaled. Suyin counted to seven, and then instructed Kuvira to exhale. "Again." She guided Kuvira through the exercise several more times, until Kuvira could do it on her own. "It's all right. Everything is going to be all right."

Kuvira still trembled, though, and shook her head, unable to speak. It was not nearly the worst attack she'd had, but it was not over yet.

"What can I do?" Suyin asked.

"Talk," Kuvira managed.

"Does it matter what I talk about?" When Kuvira shook her head, arms wrapped around herself, Suyin nodded. "All right. Okay." The older woman's hands still cupped her face. "Did I ever tell you about how I used to run with the sandbenders? I guess I was in my early twenties. I had been with the circus before that. I was getting out the last of my wild oats before settling down. I mean, I already had Jr., but…well, I had a hard time settling down. Anyway, I joined up with them while we were visiting the …." Kuvira listened as Suyin told her about her past, about things that Kuvira knew she wouldn't remember later, things that were trivial and meaningless. The constant flow of words was what was important, not their content. As she calmed, Kuvira watched Suyin's face as she spoke. Watched her expressive brows, thin and fine, arched perfectly. Watched her mouth, delicately carved but able to set in the most stubborn ways. Her straight, perfect nose, her high cheekbones, her strong jaw. The lines that framed her mouth and eyes.

She was beautiful, Kuvira knew that. Had always known that. She had always appreciated it in an aesthetic way. It would be impossible not to notice Suyin Beifong's looks. It seemed to be a family trait. All the members of the Beifong clan were attractive, but it had never really mattered to Kuvira. Attraction for her had always been dependent on an emotional connection. Which was why she had taken so long to form an attraction to Bataar Jr.

The attraction she felt for Suyin was just a glimmer, a burning ember deep in the pit of her stomach. It had been quelled by her near panic attack, but as her head cleared and her body returned to normal, with Suyin's face so close to her own…Kuvira swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable with their proximity. Stubbornly, she wrote off her feelings as a reaction to the panic attack. An appreciation that Suyin had helped her through it. Exacerbated by the fact that she had been so isolated from people. That was all.

She pulled away from Suyin, immediately missing the other woman's hands on her face. "I'm…I'm all right now," she said softly. "Thank you."

"Korra mentioned to me that you'd had panic attacks in…in prison. I didn't know if you'd have them here…I researched what to do." For a moment, she looked unsure. "You're okay?"

"For now. Sometimes…sometimes if I have one, I will be more prone to another soon." And with the stress of Bataar Jr. near, she was almost certain another attack was in her future. "I can't…I can't see him. Not…not right now."

"All right." Suyin took her hand. "You won't have to see him. I'll make sure of it. Let's go back to your rooms. Bataar is keeping Jr. busy. We won't run into him." She gently led Kuvira through the halls, down to the wing that she occupied alone. "I can't stay with you," Suyin said when they arrived, her voice laced with pain and regret. "I need to…there's still so much to do for tomorrow…and Jr. will wonder where I am. I haven't seen him in months."

Kuvira nodded. "That's fine." She almost said she would be all right, but she knew Suyin would see through the lie.

Sighing, Suyin covered her face with a hand. "Okay. Look, I'll stay here until I can find someone to stay with you. You shouldn't be alone. Not until you've fully recovered from your attack."

"That's not necessary-"

"Yes, it is. I'm not leaving you alone." She walked over to the phone that was in the corner of Kuvira's sitting room. "You like Hua, don't you? Would she be acceptable to come sit with you?"

It grated Kuvira to have anyone but Suyin see her like this, but she knew very well that she should not be alone, and Hua was pleasant enough. She certainly didn't look at Kuvira with disdain or suspicious the way some of the other guards did. "She'll do."

Suyin called for Hua, speaking briskly into the phone while Kuvira watched. Despite what Korra tried to tell her, Kuvira still felt shame whenever she had one of her attacks. Intellectually, she knew it wasn't a weakness, that it was a result of the trauma she had experienced. But in her heart, in her gut, she felt it as another failing. And it was a loss of control. The hardest thing for her to deal with. To know that her entire body would betray her periodically. At least this time she knew what the trigger had been. That was not always true. Sometimes the attacks came fast and hard with no warning, no apparent reason.

"Hua is on her way." Suyin spoke softly, and Kuvira gritted her teeth. Now she would always be seen as delicate and weak. She had worked so hard to present herself otherwise to Suyin. "I'll try to come back later today. Do you want to…No, never mind. I'll just have food brought to you. Jr. will be at meals."

"How long is he staying?" Kuvira sat in a chair, leaning her elbows on her knees to let her head rest in her hands.

"A week. I'm sorry."

Kuvira took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay. All right. I can…I can deal with that."

"I'll figure something out," Suyin promised. "Just get through today, and I'll have something figured out by tomorrow."

"It's just a week," Kuvira said. "I've been in prison for ten years. I can handle a week of confinement to this wing."

"It's not fair to you," Suyin insisted. "You're not in prison anymore, and you shouldn't have to act like you are."

"Extenuating circumstances." She would have said more, but Hua showed up, looking at Kuvira with concern.

"What can I do?" she asked, her eyes darting between Suyin and Kuvira.

"Just stay here and keep Kuvira company until I can return," Suyin told her. She looked back to Kuvira, pursing her lips, as if she was debating with herself. "She's had a panic attack-" Suyin kept speaking over Kuvira's growl of protest "-and she needs someone here with her. Kuvira, she has to know the situation to be of any help to you. Hua, if she starts having another one, help her control her breathing. Have her breathe in slowly while you count to five, have her hold it for seven seconds, then have her breathe out while you count to five again. You can also try distracting her by talking about something else. Don't let her tell you she's fine if she's clearly not."

"Yes, ma'am!" Hua saluted to Suyin, and Kuvira wanted to disappear into the floor. She was not an invalid. She was not helpless, not someone who needed taking care of. Having Suyin guide her through her panic attack was one thing. Having a babysitter almost twenty years her junior was quite another.

"I'll have lunch sent for you both. I have to go now." Suyin laid a hand on Kuvira's shoulder, squeezing gently. She then gave a nod to Hua as she swept from the room.

The young guard looked at Kuvira expectantly. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Kuvira knew she should not be cross with the younger woman. That it wasn't her fault. But she felt chafed and uncomfortable without Suyin there. Hua, however, did not wilt in the face of her frigid response.

"Good. I didn't have time to bring anything with me, but I see that you have some books." She pointed to the bookshelf that lined one wall of the room. Kuvira had not actually gathered any of the books herself. They had been there when she arrived. She wondered if Suyin had picked them out herself, or if they were just here already. "Do you mind if I look for something to read? I don't want to be in your way."

"That's fine."

Hua flashed her a quick smile. She flitted over to the bookshelf, bouncing from foot to foot. She was often out in the practice yard in the mornings when Kuvira worked with Suyin and Kaori. Kuvira was fairly certain that she had yet to see Hua stand still for any significant length of time. It reminded her of how she had once been, long before life had gotten in the way. Back when she had first been one of Suyin's guards, when her youth was full of boundless energy that she had not yet learned to harness. It made her tired thinking about how things had changed so drastically.

"You know, I have asthma," Hua said as she perused the books. "Sometimes it makes bending really hard. I have to be careful with my breathing, and if I kick up too much dust, it can trigger an attack." Kuvira waited patiently for the point of this. She was not cruel enough to tell the girl to stop talking. No reason to make things awkward when they would be stuck together for however long it took Suyin to come back. Could be hours. At least until after lunch. "For a long time, I thought that it meant I…that I wasn't good enough. Like, I couldn't be a guard because I wasn't strong enough." Kuvira set her jaw tightly.

"It's not the same thing," she muttered.

"Sorry?"

"It's not the same. That's…that's biological. You can't help it."

Hua turned to look at her and rolled her eyes. "And you can't help having panic attacks. Having them doesn't make you weak, or whatever it is. I can tell you're really embarrassed, and I get that. I do. I get embarrassed about my asthma. I know it's not something to be ashamed of, but sometimes I still can't help feeling that way. But, like, it doesn't mean you're lesser. Just look at the Avatar! She has those flashbacks and sometimes she has trouble bending because of it." Over the years, Korra had been open and transparent in regards to her PTSD. She had raised awareness and offered support to other individuals who suffered from it.

And she had said the same thing to Kuvira that Hua was spouting.

"Just because you've had something happen to you and it still affects you doesn't mean that you're, I don't know, not as good anymore." Hua pulled a book from the shelf, flipping through it as she turned back to Kuvira. "So, you know, you don't have to be all awkward with me. I understand. And I won't tell anyone about it, either." She took her book over to one of the chairs and plopped down. "Have you read this?" She held up the cover. _Metalbending for Shithead Dummies _by Toph Beifong.

"No."

"I only met Toph once, and she was terrifying." Hua raised a brow at Kuvira. "Did you ever meet her?"

Kuvira frowned. Surely Hua knew of her history, knew who she was and what she had done. Surely she knew that Toph had rescued Suyin and her family from her. "Yes. A few times."

"Lucky. I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. The last time wasn't under the best of circumstances."

"Oh right. Back when you were trying to unite the Earth Kingdom." So, she was aware after all. And not afraid to be blunt.

"Yes."

"Well, from what I can tell, she was always mean and cranky. But I would have loved to learn metal bending from her. Suyin's a great teacher, but I mean can you imagine being taught by Toph Beifong! She invented metalbending!"

Kuvira did not say that when she had been young, only with the Beifongs for a little while, she had gotten the opportunity to learn some from Toph. Their stays in Zaofu overlapped. Kuvira lived here for several years before Toph decided to go on her travels. Suyin had been the one to teach her metalbending, but Toph had been around, offering pointers. Kuvira was of the opinion that Toph should have never been allowed around small children who were not her own. It had not taken long for Suyin to quietly ask her mother to refrain from being so harsh with Kuvira. Of course, Hua seemed to have such hero worship that Kuvira doubted she'd be open to any negative words about Toph.

"You've had the opportunity to learn from Suyin, though," Kuvira redirected. "She is an excellent teacher."

"Oh, yeah, of course! I mean, I already said that." She flashed another smile, and Kuvira wondered what it would take to make her feel awkward. She just kept barreling on through conversations that would have stuttered anyone else. "Anyway, it's like, of course Suyin is amazing, but sometimes you wonder what it would be like with someone else. Although, I imagine it would be super scary to learn from Toph."

"Indeed," Kuvira agreed from experience.

"Or from Chief Beifong! I feel bad for those metalbending police officers!" Hua tucked her legs under her in the chair.

"Chief Beifong isn't so bad," Kuvira found herself saying. "She's just gruff."

"You know her?"

"In a way." Lin had been one of the few people to visit her regularly. At first Kuvira had not known why the Chief had started coming to see her. They had never really spoken, not even when Lin had visited Zaofu, and the extent of their relationship consisted of them trying to kill each other. However, about a month into her incarceration, Kuvira had somehow ended up across the bars from Lin Beifong, who claimed that Korra had encouraged her to come. She had said it would be a 'healing' experience. Kuvira was still unsure if that had been the case, but eventually the two of them found that they had more in common than either of them would care to admit.

"I've always wanted to meet her, but she hardly ever comes to Zaofu, and last time she was here, I was visiting cousins in Ba Sing Se!" Hua shook her head. "Talk about bad timing."

"She's supposed to come in a couple of weeks," Kuvira said.

"Oh?"

"Yes. She…part of my release is that she and the Avatar monitor my progress monthly."

"So Avatar Korra will be here, too!" It was as if she had told Hua that she'd won an all expense trip to her favorite destination.

"Yes."

"Will Asami Sato be here, too?"

"I'm not sure." Kuvira did not have the same relationship with Asami that she did with Korra. Seeing as Kuvira was directly responsible for the death of her father. "They have a new baby. I don't know if Asami will want to travel."

Hua's face fell momentarily before another smile relit it. "Well, still. Those are two heroes of mine, and I'll definitely be in town this time to meet them!" Her eyes grew wide and serious. "Will you introduce me?"

"What?"

"Since you know them both. Will you introduce me?"

"I…Su knows them both, too. She definitely knows Lin better than I do. Perhaps Korra, too. You should ask her."

"Oh, I don't…I don't want to overstep. We're not really…she's my teacher, but she's so… she keeps a distance from us, you know? I mean surely you know. You were her student, too."

And Kuvira realized in that moment just how different her relationship with Suyin was from the rest of her students. How differently Suyin had treated her. Not a daughter. Not a student. Something else entirely. Hua seemed to think that Suyin treated all of her students the same way, and Kuvira was inclined to believe her. That all of Suyin's students were held at a respectable arm's length. Cared for and molded and fostered, but never by her side at all times. Never invited to her office or rooms for late night tea and conversation. That was unique to Kuvira. She had always assumed…It made sense, though. Suyin could never bring her into the family as a child, so she had settled for the next best thing. Kuvira had a moment of guilt, a moment where she wished she had appreciate what Suyin had tried to do. She had been the one to resist, to refuse to become part of the family despite what Suyin had wanted. And now…now things were different once again. Suyin wasn't her teacher, wasn't her mentor anymore, wasn't her parent. Only a guardian in the sense that she was to keep an eye on her. And yet of all the people Kuvira knew, the people who were important to her (small as that number was), Suyin was the one whose attention and affection she craved.

Kuvira knew she would have to examine the reason for that sometime soon.

"I'm sure that Suyin wouldn't mind," she eventually said because she was aware that Hua was still waiting for her response. "But I can introduce you to Korra and Chief Beifong if you're more comfortable with that."

"Thank you, Kuvira!" Hua's beaming smile was bright enough to tug reciprocally at the corner of Kuvira's mouth. This girl had successfully distracted her from her anxiety over Jr.'s arrival. Her chest was no longer tight and uncomfortable. She no longer felt overwhelmed and about to come apart. She had honestly expected another panic attack to follow her earlier one, but now she thought…maybe she had escape. It was still too soon to tell, and another could still come unexpectedly, but she thought that it was no longer a certainty.

"It's nothing."

After that, the conversation tapered off. Hua actually became immersed in Toph's book, and Kuvira tried meditating to keep herself calm. She had to take a break when lunch came, but in the afternoon, she thought she was able to reach a good place. Good enough that when Suyin returned, she was very much prepared to discuss the situation with Bataar Jr.

Suyin knocked on her door not long after dinner, and told Hua that she could leave. As they watched her bow and scamper out the door, Kuvira took a step towards Suyin. The older woman waited for Hua's footsteps to fade, then met Kuvira half way.

"Are you all right?" She reached out to touch Kuvira's face, and Kuvira let her.

"Yes. How is…How is Bataar Jr.?"

"He is well."

"Did he…did he say anything about me?"

Suyin gave her a pained look. "Do you really want to know?"

"No. I suppose not."

"I'm staying with you tonight," Suyin said resolutely with a curt nod of her head.

"What? No, I don't need you to do…That's not-"

"Kuvira. I know this is hard for you. Tell me honestly, would you prefer I don't stay? Would that make it worse?"

"I…"Kuvira turned away from Suyin, remembering her attraction from earlier, her revelation about their relationship. She needed to figure things out, and she was unsure if she could do that unless Suyin gave her space. "I think it would be best if I was alone tonight."

"I see."

"Su…I'm just not accustomed to having people in my space so often," Kuvira truthfully said. "I've had Hua with me all day. I spend so much time surrounded by people now, and I'm feeling…I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it."

"I understand that, I do." Suyin's brows tipped in concern. "But you said that you might have another panic attack, and I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone. I know I'm the only person you would even consider allowing to stay the night. I wouldn't push you. I would sleep out here." She waved her hand at the sofa.

"Su, please. I'll be fine."

"You're acting strange, and I don't want-"

"Just leave it!"

They both froze, staring at each other. Kuvira had never been prone to raising her voice, not even as the Great Uniter. She had always had such a lock on her emotions, or at least how she expressed them, how the affected her outwardly. And now here she was, letting Suyin get under her skin. If she was honest with herself, Suyin had always been the only person who could. The only one who could affect her that way. So much more so than Bataar Jr. ever had.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I'm trying so hard," Suyin said, equally as quiet. Admitting any kind of weakness, any kind of failing, any kind of difficulty was so unheard of from Suyin, and Kuvira sighed, shaking her head.

"I know."

"I love you both. So much. You and Bataar Jr. And I don't know….I don't know how to balance that without hurting one of you. Or both."

"You don't need to worry about me." Kuvira put her hands on her hips and looked down at her feet. "I've been through much worse than having to avoid my ex-fiancé."

"You now it's different. It's more than that."

"I know."

Suyin slid her fingers under Kuvira's chin, tilting her head up. "I'll ask one more time, and then I promise I'll drop it. Do you want me to stay tonight?"

Yes. She wanted to say yes. She wanted…she wanted to _want_ to say yes, but she knew she couldn't. She knew she shouldn't. She was not in a place where she could safely open herself to Suyin that way. She needed her sanctuary, her peace. At least for a while longer. At least until she knew how to deal with all this. Being in Zaofu, seeing Suyin every day, seeing Kaori as a reminder of all she didn't have. Knowing that Bataar Jr. was just a few hundred yards away. Knowing that the more time she spent with Suyin, the more they worked past their issues and grew comfortable with each other, the more her attraction would grow. And she was not ready to deal with that yet. She had such little experience dealing with attraction at all. She had only ever felt attraction for two, maybe three, people including Suyin. Because she had only ever felt close to those few people. And for her, a deep emotional connection was required for attraction.

And she was scared.

"I need to be alone tonight," she said firmly, hating the rejection that flitted across Suyin's face ever so briefly. The older woman quickly composed her features, and nodded.

"If you're sure."

"I am."

"All right." Suyin breathed in deeply, and let it out through her nose. "I think I've worked out a schedule that will be…the least disagreeable for everyone. I've asked Jr. to stay away from the rooms you've been working on, so you can go there during the day without being interrupted. I'll have lunch and dinner sent to you. I'm assuming you'll still want to train?"

"Yes."

"Tomorrow, Bataar Sr. is going to take Jr. to see the parts of Zaofu that have changed since the last time here was here. That will give you a few hours in the morning where you can be in the practice yard. We'll have to take that day by day, I'm afraid."

"That's fine. I appreciate everything you're doing."

Suyin studied her for a moment. "If you do have a problem tonight, please call." She walked over to the table and scribbled two numbers down on a piece of paper which she placed next to the phone. "The first one is to the phone in our bedroom. The second is to my office. Try there if I'm not in the bedroom."

"I remember your numbers," Kuvira said, surprising Suyin.

"After thirteen years?"

"I have a good memory."

"Regardless, we've changed them since then. These are different from the ones you knew."

"Ah. All right." Somehow, that hurt, though she rationalized that there was no reason for her to feel that way. They were just numbers. And she was done with that part of her life anyway.

"I know you don't want me to stay, but do you want me to sit with you for a while?" Suyin brushed a thumb across her cheek. And Kuvira knew that she needed space. Right. Now.

"No," she said briskly. "Thank you, but no. I would like to be alone." This time, she could not try and soothe the hurt on Suyin's face, and her heart clenched as Suyin's demeanor hardened.

"That's fine." Suyin pulled away and stalked to the door. She hesitated and glanced back at Kuvira. "Good night."

"Good night." She waited until Suyin was gone before sinking into the nearest chair and wrapping her arms around herself.

She was well and truly fucked.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Again, this has only been read by my eyes. There are probably a lot of mistakes. I'm lazy, what can I say?

Anyway, warning for Jr. using ableist language and some gendered slurs.

* * *

><p>Suyin's masterfully crafted plan to keep Kuvira and Bataar Jr. from crossing paths worked beautifully for four days. Four days filled with anxiety and second guessing and sleepless nights. Kuvira met Yunru's parents. Huan had insisted on it, had brought them by her rooms, introducing her as 'my friend, Kuvira' (she had to take a moment to keep herself from being overwhelmed). Yunru was handsome, strong and physically athletic, almost the complete opposite of Huan. He was not a bender, but he was well trained in hand-to-hand fighting. Kuvira immediately liked his jovial personality and kind smile.<p>

None of them seemed concerned with her past, and she thought that this was all more than she deserved.

Kuvira spent her time working on the new guest rooms. She only had a few more left, and she did her best to stretch the work. It was not the time to go wandering about Zaofu trying to find a new project to complete. Not with Jr. about.

She saw him first, walking across the practice yard with his head bent over a stack of papers in his arm. So much like how he used to look back when they had started dating. He had let his hair grow out on the sides, and it was coiffed similarly to the way his father's was. He looked so much like Bataar Sr. She wanted to will her feet into moving, to make herself go before he saw her, but she could not. And when he lifted his head, their eyes locked.

Sozin's comet could have landed in the middle of Zaofu at that moment, and Kuvira still would not have been able to tear her eyes away from the man she almost married.

The emotions that passed across his face where to be expected. Surprise, shock, anger, resentment. And now that he had seen her, she had to decide what to do next. Should she run? Should she pretend like she didn't recognize him? Should she make the first move, or wait for him to decide what he wanted to do?

"Kuvira," he said before she could do anything.

"Bataar." She may have called him Jr. around Suyin, but really, it had been years and years since she had called him that to his face.

He glanced up and down her body, taking in her clothes that were clearly in Suyin's style, clearly not of Kuvira's own choosing, clearly meant to mark her as part of Suyin's family.

"I see you've made yourself comfortable in my home." His lip rose in a sneer, and she briefly wondered what she had ever seen in him. He was not as strong as his mother, and not nearly as companionate as his father. He lacked all the qualities that made his siblings so unique and incredible. He could have been. She often wondered if she had been the one to ruin him, to foster his resentment towards his parents, to push him to a place where he lost himself and turned into a pathetic whiny child. Perhaps that assessment of him was harsh, and perhaps Kuvira needed to work on letting go of her own resentment towards him, but she knew that he had not been tricked into anything with her. He had known what he was getting into, what they would be doing. The spirit weapon had been his idea, his design. He had been the one to tell her exactly what it could do, exactly how to use it. He was her second in command, and she would not treat him like the victim he pretended to be.

He was as much to blame as she was, and he had done it all of his own free will.

"According to my sentencing, it's my home, too," she countered softly. There was no reason to willingly try and escalate the situation. She would not roll over, but neither would she be unnecessarily aggressive.

"What did you say to them to make them let you out?"

"I didn't say anything. I showed what they deemed to be a proper level of remorse and reparations."

"Fooled them, did you?"

She gritted her teeth. It did not matter if he believed her. He did not matter anymore. Not in the long run. Not to her future. What mattered was making sure she kept on track, making sure she progressed appropriately, enough for Korra to monitor and show the Council as proof that she really did deserve this leniency. What mattered was making sure that Suyin trusted her.

"I have been nothing but honest since our defeat."

"_Your_ defeat. Unless you forgot, you tried to kill me."

"I haven't. I never will." She drew herself up, trying desperately to put on her haughty guise that she had used so often as the Great Uniter. "But that doesn't erase your culpability. Don't try and pretend like I acted alone."

He let out a mirthless laugh. "Spirits, you're such a bitch."

She'd heard worse, she really had, but those words hit her squarely in her gut. It wasn't like she cared what Bataar Jr. thought of her, but she thought maybe he had known her best. And if he thought so poorly of her….then perhaps there was truth to it. Because, really, what kind of person destroyed a city? What kind of person created reeducation camps? What kind of person tried to 'cleanse' a nation of all foreigners?

Perhaps bitch was too soft a word for what she was. What she had been.

"I've paid for my crimes how society has deemed fit," she said, voice trembling. "And I will continue to pay for them the rest of my life." It had not been his name, his face on all the banners they had erected around the Earth Kingdom. It had not been his image being worn by citizens in the United Republic. His face was not the one recognized by everyone. He was provided the luxury of anonymity when he walked down the street. Kuvira would never have that again.

"Excuse me if I don't shed a tear for that heartbreaking story."

She had forgotten how cruel he could be. It had never been directed at her before.

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"I don't forgive you."

"I'm not asking you to." Forgiveness from Suyin, she desperately craved. Forgiveness from Bataar Jr… that was something she could live without. "I don't need it."

"Of course not," he spat. "Perfect Kuvira doesn't need anyone at all. You have my mother fooled into thinking you've changed, that you're sorry. But I saw you. I saw how cold you could be. She doesn't know you like I do. You're a sociopath, Kuvira. And you're just going to hurt my family again. You don't care who you hurt as long as you get what you want."

It wasn't true. She knew it wasn't true. It had hurt her to turn the spirit weapon on him, on his family. It had been the hardest decision she'd ever made. But at the time, she had thought it was the best course of action. She had thought it was the right thing to do. And she had been prepared to live with the emotional consequences. She knew now that she had been wrong, but that did not mean that she never cared.

She knew all of that, but Bataar Jr.'s words still caused self-doubt to drill into her gut. Maybe she really didn't feel as much as she should. Maybe there was something wrong with her. She knew she never felt love as deeply as he did, as Suyin did. She knew that she could separate herself from her emotions in a way that disturbed most people. She could remove herself from a situation in order to make the best decision. Or so she thought. In hindsight, she may not have been as good at that last thing as she thought.

"I'm sorry that I hurt your family," she said, hoping that she could keep her voice from shaking. "I'm glad that you've moved on and have a family. We don't need to discuss anything further." She turned away from him and began walking briskly towards her rooms. For a few moments, she feared he would follow, that the argument would continue until she lost her temper. But he did not follow, and she slowed as she walked back inside.

When the door closed behind her, Kuvira leaned against it, taking a few deep breaths. Her heart was racing, but not in the way that suggested she was about to lose control. If she could just stay relatively calm, she should be all right.

What she wanted was to find Suyin, but she had no idea where the older woman would be, and she knew that walking outside would mean taking the chance of crossing paths with Bataar Jr again. And Suyin would probably side with her son, anyway. Not that Kuvira could blame her.

With a heavy sigh, Kuvira entered her rooms, planning on just staying there for three more days until Bataar Jr. went back to Republic City. She'd call to make sure Suyin would know where to find her. But her hand hesitated when she reached the phone. What would she say? Sorry, your son said some mean things to me? Things that were mostly true. So instead of calling Suyin, she picked a book at random off her shelves and sat down to read, hoping to distract herself. She wondered how long it would be before Jr. told the entire household about their encounter. She wondered how he would spin it. If he would paint some awful picture of her as an instigator, the aggressor.

The knock on her door that came some ten minutes later was expected, and she knew Suyin would be on the other side. She would have known even if she hadn't sensed the other woman's heartbeat. Familiar to her, and growing more so. So when she opened the door, she did not, could not, hide the distress from her features.

"Why didn't you come find me?" Suyin asked as she stepped into the room. She surveyed Kuvira's face, looking for signs of an oncoming panic attack.

"I didn't know where you were," Kuvira muttered. She didn't bother saying she didn't need Suyin, wasn't some needy girl who couldn't handle problems on her own. Though those were her immediate, instinctive, responses, she knew that she was past them with Suyin. Neither of them would have believed such falsities. Not anymore.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't think you would… I thought you would still be in the east wing." She tentatively reached for Kuvira's face, brushing the younger woman's hair back behind her ears. "Are you all right? Are you…you're not about to have an attack, are you?"

"No. I…I'm all right." She resisted the urge to turn her head so that her cheek rested more firmly in Suyin's palm.

"Are you really all right?"

"I…well, no, but I'm not about to have a panic attack," Kuvira amended. Her traitorous tongue kept spilling her weaknesses. "Shouldn't you be with Bataar Jr.?"

Suyin's frown was immediate and sharp. "He'll live. I was more concerned about you."

"Why? He's your son."

"And he's been out of prison for five years now. He has a wife to comfort him, and he's adjusted to the real world. He doesn't need me for this. To be okay. But you might." She waited expectantly, but Kuvira didn't answer. "You do want me here?"

Kuvira swallowed and looked away. "Yes."

"I thought…I was hoping you would allow me to help if you needed it."

"I hate…I hate that I feel this way," Kuvira said, turning away from Suyin. "That seeing him has…made me into this emotional wreck."

"It's understandable," Suyin told her, stepping up behind her. Not too close to crowd her, but close enough to provide support. "You were with him for a significant amount of time. You both went through a lot."

"I tried to kill him," Kuvira said humorlessly. She could feel Suyin tense behind her. Could sense it through the stone floor.

"Yes. And if you had, I would never have been able to forgive you." She could feel Suyin shudder. "It would have destroyed me."

"I know." Kuvira swallowed. She did not know what else to say. What else _could_ she say? There was nothing left to say that she had not said before. How many times could she apologize before the words lost all meaning?

Suyin sighed loudly and tentatively placed a hand on Kuvira's shoulder. "We're all right. It's…we're past that."

"I don't know if I'll ever be past it." It was something Kuvira had thought over seriously the past ten years. Could she truly move on from what she had done, who she had become? Could she really start fresh, and did she really want to? Forgetting her past meant the possibility of repeating its mistakes. She had to keep herself honest, had to constantly monitor her thoughts and motivations. She could never allow herself to forget what she had done. "I can't allow myself to forget who I was."

"I understand that, but Kuvira, you won't accomplish anything by dwelling on it. Korra told me how much progress you've made, and I've seen it for myself." Suyin's hand slid down to her waist, turning Kuvira around to face her. "I know that having Jr. here has been difficult. I know that you weren't ready for this, and I wish I could have changed things. But constantly bringing up your past mistakes won't make it any easier." She lowered her head slightly to look Kuvira in the eyes. "What did he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does."

"It wasn't anything I haven't heard before." Kuvira let Suyin grasp her hand.

"But usually it's not from people you care about."

Kuvira shook her head. "It's not…not that I care about him. I do, but it's not…I don't care enough for that to be the reason. It's more…he knew me. Saw me in ways other people didn't. If there are parts of me that he sees…then is that really who I am?"

Suyin contemplated this, her lips pursing. "He doesn't know you anymore. He hasn't known you for ten years."

Kuvira opened her mouth to reply, but her strength seemed to leave her. She shut her mouth again and shook her head helplessly. When the first tear fell, Suyin did not hesitate to gather Kuvira in her arms. Her hands grasped Suyin's shirt tightly, crinkling the fabric. Vaguely, she reflected that it was lucky Suyin wasn't wearing her usual metal necklace, which would have caused her great discomfort as she pressed her face into the older woman's neck. She didn't want to cry, especially over Bataar Jr. Especially not in front of his mother. She wanted to be able to handle this on her own without breaking down.

"It's all right," Suyin murmured into her hair. "It's all right. You're all right."

"Wh-what if he's right?" Kuvira sniffed, trying to take deep, gasping breaths. "What if I _am_ a sociopath? What if I just-just use people and h-hurt them?"

"Spirits, he said that to you?"

"I've hurt you before," Kuvira continued, ignoring Suyin's outrage. "I hurt him. I hurt Bataar Sr. and Huan and Opal and the twins. I hurt every citizen of Zaofu, and I've...I've k-killed people."

"Kuvira-"

"I just…I know that I…that…it's still there, inside me." She pressed herself against Suyin, needing the physical contact and comfort for once. "That person who…who was going to sacrifice people she loved for power and order and control. And I'm so…so afraid that I haven't changed. That I've just fooled myself into thinking I have." She squeezed her eyes shut breathing in deeply, letting it out in shuddering breaths. "He saw me at my worst. He knows what I…what I can do, what I have done. He knows-"

"He doesn't know anything," Suyin interrupted fiercely. "He hasn't spent time with you for a decade. He only knows who you used to be, not who you are. You can't listen to what he says in anger. He may have moved on with his life, but he will never be able to just let go of what happened between you. I'm afraid he gets his ability to hold grudges from my side of the family, but that doesn't mean he's right about you." Suyin gently cupped her jaw and pulled back to look at her. "I think I know you, Kuvira. I knew you before, and I think I'm getting to know who you are now."

Besides Korra, it was probably true that Suyin knew her best. Kuvira wasn't sure what that meant, seeing as she no longer let anyone see all of herself. Suyin knew her better than other people did, but that may not have meant much.

"Look at me. Look at me, Kuvira." Suyin waited until Kuvira met her eyes. "You're not the Great Uniter anymore. You're not that person. The fact that you are here, letting me hold you as you cry about this proves that you aren't her anymore. She would never have allowed this. She would never have let me see past her walls, let me hold her like this. But you will. Because you've changed. You've been working for ten years to become someone else, to leave her behind. Are you telling me that the work you put in was for nothing? That you're exactly the same?"

"I don't know."

"Kuvira-"

"I don't know!" She bit her lip and looked away. "I thought I was, but now I just…"

"He wanted to hurt you," Suyin said. "I love my son, but I am not blind to his faults. He hasn't forgiven you the way I have, and he still wants you to hurt like he did. Like he still is. He chose those words because he knew they would make you question yourself."

"No. he chose those words because he believes them." Kuvira extracted herself from Suyin's embrace. "You didn't see his face when he said them. He truly believes that I don't care who I hurt as long as I get what I want. And he may not be wrong."

Suyin pressed a kiss to her forehead. "He is wrong. You are not the same."

"How have you been able to forgive me?"

"The same way I was able to forgive him." Suyin tilted her head, her eyes so full of affection that Kuvira felt she would suffocate under it. "I love you. You know it wasn't easy for me. You know it's still not easy. There are days where I wonder if I've done the right thing in bringing you back here. I wonder if it's good for you. If it's good for me. I've spent ten years working through my anger at you, working through all of these issues. And I know we aren't there yet. I know you're not ready for displays of affection. I know it takes you longer to…to work through new situations than me. It only took me a few days of having you here to know that I was not going to hold the past against you anymore. To know that I was ready to move on with a new chapter. I know it takes you longer, I know that. And I'm not asking you to move on more quickly than you're comfortable with." She brushed her lips against Kuvira's temple, so tenderly that it actually startled Kuvira. "I just want you to know that I have forgiven you. If you ever doubt that, remember this. Remember that I am here with you, comforting you, instead of my son.

"What's in the past is in the past. We are not the same people we were then. You aren't, and neither am I. Jr. doesn't know you. Not anymore. He doesn't know how hard you try to make Kaori feel like her presence isn't a constant reminder to you of how I failed you. He doesn't know how you give bending pointers to the younger guards. He hasn't seen you put your best effort into every possible maintenance project you can dig up. And he hasn't seen you apologize nearly every other word for things you've already apologized for a hundred times."

"Su-"

"He hasn't seen that, but I have."

"Su, I just…" She looked away again, wiping her eyes, hating that she had lost control in front of Suyin. "I'm afraid I'll never…"

"Never what?"

"It's nothing. It doesn't matter."

"Kuvira." Suyin's voice was very firm. "Please."

"I just don't know what I'm doing."

"You're barely two weeks out of prison. I don't think you're supposed to know what you're doing yet."

"I…that's not exactly what I meant."

Suyin raised a brow. "Okay. Then clarify for me."

Kuvira sighed, wrapping her arms around herself. She couldn't tell Suyin what she had been feeling. That she had started having a...what was probably an inappropriate attraction to the older woman. That she was struggling so much with her own emotions, with what she wanted, with what she could have.

She chided herself for being so dramatic. A small attraction should not have thrown her so much. It was nothing that she could not ignore and move past. She just had to figure out what to say to Suyin.

"I guess…it's like you said. I don't…process changes like this quickly. I could, at one time. I was…it was so easy when it was decisions about the Earth Empire." She saw Suyin frown at the phrase 'Earth Empire,' but she could not dwell on it. "I was able to make decisions quickly and efficiently. But now…Now I overanalyze everything I do. Everything I feel, everything I say. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion sometimes. I have to, or I'll frighten people. I've seen them flinch if I make sudden movements."

"Who? Who flinches?"

"Guards. Random citizens."

"People who don't know you."

"Yes."

"Have I?"

"What? No, of course not." Kuvira's brows furrowed as she tried to understand what Suyin was saying.

"Has Bataar? Bataar Sr., I mean."

"No."

"Has Kaori or Hua? Or Huan?"

"No."

"What about Yunru or his parents? They've just met you this week, and they know what your past is." Suyin pushed back an errant strand of hair from Kuvira's face. She could not even keep control over her own hair these days. "Have they flinched away from you?"

"No. But it's different. It's not…it's not the same thing. With strangers, it's like…I can't ever escape who I was."

"I thought you wanted to remember."

Frustrated, Kuvira blew out a sigh through her nose. "I do. But under my own terms. Not because everyone else has decided it for me."

"I see. I can't make people trust you."

"I know. That's not what…that's not what I meant."

"But I can have you with me more. Then people would see you and get used to you," Suyin suggested hopefully.

"I don't want to be your captain again," Kuvira said.

"I know. I had hoped that…that it could go back to that, but I know now that it's best if that doesn't happen. Best for you, at least." She gave Kuvira a small smile. "I don't mean as my captain. I have one of those already. I just meant as a…I don't know. Maybe as an advisor, or simply an observer."

"I'm enjoying the work I'm doing."

"And I wouldn't want to take you away from that. It wouldn't be all day. Perhaps just a couple of hours in the afternoon. Just enough to get people accustomed to seeing you."

Kuvira thought on this. She knew that if she agreed to this, she would need more time to herself later, more time to decompress and process her day. She would have to work harder on her projects to get more done in a shorter amount of time. It would mean more time with Suyin, which she still was unsure if she wanted. Well, she wanted it, but she didn't know if she should have it. Too much time around Suyin could lead to more attraction than Kuvira wanted to deal with.

"I'll have to think about it."

Suyin seemed amused, her eyes crinkling at the corner. "All right. You think about it. You have all the time in the world to decide."

"I just don't want to make people uncomfortable."

"I know. And I think that proves that you have changed." Suyin ran her thumb across Kuvira's cheek, picking up tears the younger woman had missed. "The Great Uniter wouldn't have been so concerned about people she didn't know."

"I just feel like I've caused enough…pain."

"You're not alone in that," Suyin said quietly. "I do understand…what I could have done differently." She sighed, leaning her head forward so that their foreheads touched. "I know I've told you this before, but it wasn't all on you. I should have…I should have done more in the beginning. I should have taken more responsibility in helping the Earth Kingdom."

"You were worried you'd end up like I did," Kuvira remembered. It had been one of their more…unpleasant conversations. In hindsight, though, Kuvira knew it had been necessary for them to hash that out. Suyin admitting her fears, her reasons, taking responsibility for the mistakes she made. At the time it had stung Kuvira intensely to know that Suyin had known what would happen.

"Yes, and I knew it would happen to you, and I should have done more to prevent that."

"I don't know if anyone could have…could have stopped me," Kuvira said. She thought she was introspective enough now to know. As easy as it would have been to blame her mistakes, her actions, on failings of Suyin, she knew that she had to take responsibility. At least as much as she deserved.

"I could have tried harder." Suyin let her hand slide down to the back of Kuvira's neck. It was so intimate, so touching. Kuvira didn't know what it meant, and she felt like her chest was going to burst from the emotions blooming inside her. Everything about Suyin was so much. She was so intense, so compelling. She was a force of nature, someone who could easily overwhelm anyone in her way. Or overwhelm someone emotionally, whether she was trying to or not. And Kuvira seemed to be the one in her sights. Kuvira was the one who had Suyin's focus, whose personal space Suyin kept invading.

Not that she minded. And each day, she minded less and less.

Kuvira broke away, firmly stepping out of Suyin's space. "Then I would have just resented you."

"You make it sound like this was some tragic destiny." The older woman lowered herself into a chair, leaning back and crossing her legs. She looked so comfortable, so at ease in Kuvira's rooms. Like she belonged there. Like this was the most natural thing to do. And because it did feel so natural, Kuvira walked over to the small kitchenette and put on a pot of tea.

"I don't know it destiny is the right word," she said. "But I…sometimes I think there was no way I wasn't going to do it. If you had gone, I would have gone with you. If you had decided to step down, I would have continued without you. I just…I don't know if there was ever a world where this wasn't going to happen."

"That sounds very fatalistic. Don't you believe our choices could have been different?"

"Of course." She glanced back at Suyin, remembering the times they'd had deep, philosophical conversations late at night after a long day. Those had always been some of Kuvira's dearest memories. Times when she'd felt loved and wanted, like Suyin had spent time with her just because of Kuvira, because of who she was. Not because she was obligated to. "I just don't think I ever would have made a different choice." Carefully, she poured the tea into two cups, adding sugar to Suyin's. She handed it to the other woman, letting her fingers linger as their hands brushed. She then sat across from Suyin. "I've spent years trying to understand…trying to figure out if I could have done something to prevent this. And I could have. There are so many decisions I could have made differently, but I never would have. I was a product of my upbringing. There was only one course of action I was ever going to take."

"And that's on me."

"Not entirely. You didn't abandon me."

"In a way, I did. I should have…I should have tried harder with you." Suyin's brows contracted painfully.

"That argument is starting to sound tired," Kuvira told her, quirking her mouth to soften the words. "You've already apologized for that. We can't change it." And, she thought, her growing attraction for Suyin would have been exceptionally problematic if she _had_ been a true part of the Beifong family.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't able to keep Jr. away from you." Suyin stared at her tea.

"I'm amazed we managed four days without an incident. It's not your fault. Really, it's no one's fault." Kuvira was too tired to be angry, even at Bataar Jr. for showing up unannounced.

"He's not going to leave for another three days."

"I know. I can handle it." She felt more prepared now. The first meeting was over. Anything after this would be…easier.

"I want to prevent a blowout," Suyin said.

"Well, yes, I think we'd all like to avoid that."

"Yunru's parents are leaving tomorrow. I can ask Jr. to lea-"

"No," Kuvira interrupted. "No. I won't…I won't be the reason for a rift between you. Not again." She had vowed to herself that she would never hurt a Beifong again. Not if she could help it.

"Kuvira…"

"It's only three days. I will confine myself to this wing, and we won't have to worry about it anymore." She nodded resolutely, sipping her tea. It was the best option. Suyin looked displeased, but Kuvira could see that she was going to relent.

"I don't like it."

"I don't either, but it's the best I can do right now." She tried to offer Suyin a reassuring smile. "He's your son. You should enjoy the time you have with him without having to worry about me."

"I'll always worry about you, Kuvira." She drained her tea and stood. "I have to get back to him. He was…upset. Anyway. I'll come back later."

"That's not necessary."

"No, it's not. But I want to." She gave a small shrug of her shoulders. "I've missed you these past few days. Kaori misses you, too."

"Well, tell Kaori it's just a few more days."

"Would it be all right if I brought her by this evening?"

"Oh. I…well…I suppose so." Kuvira bit her bottom lip, swallowing her immediate refusal. She may have, maybe, possibly, missed the young girl. But she would never admit that.

"It's just that…well…" Suyin's face actually flushed, with anger and shame, Kuvira thought. "Jr. is a bit…cold towards her. I think she reminds him of you and what happened, and well…It's been…difficult."

"I see. Yes. Bring her."

"All right." Suyin leaned over Kuvira to place a kiss on the top of her head. "I'll be back later."

Once she had left the room, Kuvira gingerly placed her hand where Suyin's lips had been. The older woman had not been restrained in her affection, and Kuvira had let her take that initiative. And she found that…that she didn't hate it.

She may have wanted more.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN**: ugh this chapter fought me at every turn. I am so sorry if it is not up to usual standards.

* * *

><p>Though she was prepared for it, Kuvira did not run into Baatar Jr. after that first time. She did not meet his wife or child. In fact, she barely left her rooms at all. After ten years in prison, she would have thought that being confined to quarters would not have been difficult to tolerate. She was wrong. She found herself agitated and bored. In just a short amount of time, she had become accustomed to the relative freedom she was allowed under Suyin's guardianship. In prison, three days without leaving her cell would have been nothing, would have been normal, easy. Now, she had her three rooms, the hallway of her wing, and the library at the end of the hall to explore, and yet she still felt caged. Perhaps it was because she had not been able to practice her bending properly. Perhaps it was because she knew that an 'enemy' was close (though she did reflect that it was possibly dramatic to think of Baatar Jr. as an enemy). Whatever the reason, on the third day of her confinement, she kept looking at the clock, hoping that Suyin would show up to tell her that she was free to leave her quarters again, that Jr. was on his way back to Republic City.<p>

Suyin, however, never came. Instead, late in the afternoon, a knock sounded on her door. She jumped up to answer it, all of her nervous energy channeling into her movements. She flung open the door.

"Baatar?" She blinked, confused that Baatar Sr. was standing outside her door, Kaori in tow.

"Su asked us to come tell you that Jr. is on the train to Republic City."

"Oh. Thank you." She stood there awkwardly. It was strange to realize that she had not seen him in a week. Suyin had made the effort to see Kuvira as much as she could during Jr.'s visit, and Kuvira has even spent time with Kaori, Huan, and Hua during that time. But Baatar had been busy keeping his son occupied. Which she deeply appreciated.

"She would have come told you herself, but there was a pressing matter that needed her attention." He looked apologetic, and she felt her gut clench as she thought about her growing attraction to Suyin. She resolved then and there to nip it in the bud. She would not hurt Baatar. Not again. If that meant distancing herself from Suyin to keep her attraction from getting worse, then so be it. She had put this family through enough already.

"I understand. Of course." She waited. He clearly had more to say, but he seemed to be unsure how to proceed. He rocked on his heels for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Kaori wanted to ask you something. Well…Kaori and I both wanted to ask you something."

"All right."

"Su is going to miss dinner tonight, and Huan is with Yunru," Baatar said, gesturing emphatically with his hands. "And so, it would just be the three of us. And well-"

"Well, it's just such a nice day," Kaori picked up. "We wondered if you'd have a picnic with us."

Kuvira blinked. "What?"

"A picnic," Baatar repeated. "The sun is still out, and it's not too hot today. And we know you haven't been outside much this week. Kaori suggested it."

Kuvira had to look away so that they would not see the emotion on her face, the way she had to swallow the lump in her throat. "I'd like that," she said softly.

Kaori squealed and threw herself around Kuvira before Baatar could stop her. Startled, Kuvira stood with her arms raised, eyes wide with surprise. Few people hugged her, and even fewer did so spontaneously. Hesitantly, she placed a hand on top of Kaori's head, patting the girl on the back.

"If you and Kaori could find a place," Baatar said, "I will go get the food from Chef. If that's all right."" He looked at Kuvira questioningly.

"Yes, that's fine."

"All right. I'll come find you. Kaori, you just stay with Kuvira, and do what she says until I get back." He raised his brows pointedly, and Kaori nodded. Once he was gone, Kaori released her, bouncing on the balls of her feet, and Kuvira let herself relax.

"This is going to be awesome!" Kaori exclaimed. "Su never wants to eat outside. She says there're-"

"Too many bugs," Kuvira supplied before Kaori could finish. Her chest felt warm as Kaori beamed.

"Exactly!" The girl took her hand and dragged her outside. "I know the perfect place!" Kaori led her through the various practice yards and gardens to an older tree that's shade spread out around its trunk. What Kaori could not have known was that this had been one of Kuvira's favorite places to come sit when she was younger. When she felt lonely and overwhelmed, when she missed her parents, when she needed to away from the Beifongs. When life became too much for her, she would come to this tree. "How is this?"

For a second, Kuvira could not answer, swallowing down the longing in her chest. She squeezed Kaori's hand. "It's perfect."

"Awesome!"

The sun was starting to draw closer to the horizon, but there was still enough light to see by, and Kuvira thought the deepening reds and oranges gave the whole landscape a kind and welcoming atmosphere. Something she had trouble feeling in Zaofu. Certainly Suyin and the people who spent time with Kuvira were cordial to her, but she knew that the average citizen hated her. And she could not blame them. It was something she would learn to live with.

Whatever her complicated feelings toward Kaori were, it was nice to spend time with someone who genuinely liked her and wanted nothing from her but who she was. Even Suyin had expectations. Kaori just wanted Kuvira to like her. And after Baatar Jr.'s visit, Kuvira was really starting to understand why. She was sure that Suyin's other children had welcomed the girl. Huan certainly seemed to, and Kuvira could not see Opal or the twins shunning Kaori. But now, she thought it quite possible that Kaori had already heard negative comparisons between herself and Kuvira from Baatar Jr. They had been linked by circumstance, and Kuvira thought that perhaps she had a responsibility to keep Kaori from experiencing the same anger and isolation that she had endured.

She was the adult. It was up to her to make sure this girl never knew of her jealousy and bitterness.

"Kaori," she started, unsure where she was going with this.

"Yes?" The girl looked at her with wide, expectant, eyes.

"If it's all right with Suyin and Baatar, would you like to help me out tomorrow?"

"You mean…like come work on stuff with you?" Kaori looked like this suggestion was too good to be true.

"Yes. If it's all right with-"

"Yes! Yes, please!"

Blinking, taken aback by Kaori's outburst, Kuvira nodded. "Okay. We can ask Baatar when he gets back. Now, remember, it's not going to be easy work." Kuvira had just little bit more to do with the guest rooms in the east wing, but the work was delicate and required a lot of concentration and control. She would not trust that part to Kaori, but perhaps she could let the girl do some of the less detailed work.

"I'll work hard, I promise."

"I know." She lifted her hand, intending to ruffle the girl's hair, but she hesitated. The action felt natural, but Kuvira was unsure if she should take that step. So she let her hand drop back to her side. "Why don't we find a comfortable spot to sit?" She watched as Kaori studied the ground, looking for the smoothest patch of ground. Kuvira wondered briefly, what it would have been like to have a child with Baatar. She had never wanted children. She had always thought she would make an awful mother, having never had a good example to go by. She had never regretted the decision, and only rarely wondered how things would have been different. Mostly, she was glad that she had not left a child motherless while she was in prison. Motherless and fatherless while Baatar Jr. was also incarcerated.

The child probably would have been raised by Suyin. Possibly taught to hate its mother in those first few years. Even longer when Baatar Jr. was set free.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. It didn't really matter at all. Children were not in her future, and for that she was thankful. Things were complicated enough as it was.

"All right, I've got the food." They turned to see Baatar Sr. approaching, arms laden with food and a blanket draped over his shoulder. Kuvira met him and unburdened him of his load, allowing him to spread out the blanket. "Don't tell Su, but I put some extra sweets in here." He winked at Kaori, who grinned conspiratorially. Kuvira found her jealousy was less than it had been, and instead of the pain of betrayal as she watched their interaction. With the sun on her face, she felt something close to peace, even if momentarily. Even if it was just for a little while. As Kaori and Baatar settled, Kuvira set the containers of food down in the middle of the blanket, then lowered herself next to the girl.

"This looks good," Kuvira said to Baatar. She realized how odd it was to be around him and Kaori without Suyin present. She was not sure what to say, what to talk about. With Kaori, their conversations usually centered on bending forms and things like that. Suyin always mediated and kept the conversation going when Kuvira grew too awkward. She only ever saw Baatar at meal times, and then there were other people to pick up any slack in conversation. Now, she grew nervous as she tried to think of what to say to these two people. How was it so easy with Suyin, and yet so hard with everyone else. Well, it was easy with Korra, too. And Hua. She even felt comfortable with Lin for the most part. If she could be comfortable with all of those people, then she could make it through a picnic with the man who had tried to be a father to her and the girl he and Suyin had taken in.

"Chef wanted to give me some things he's been experimenting on, but I managed to convince him to save it for Su," Baatar said with a smile to Kaori. The girl was notoriously picky.

"I just don't like icky squiggly stuff!" she protested, wrinkling her nose. "Sometimes the things he makes are so gross." She looked slyly over to Kuvira. "Kuvira doesn't like it either. She just never says anything."

Baatar raised a brow, looking to Kuvira. "Is that true?"

Kuvira grimaced, thinking of the times she had picked at her food. Kaori must have noticed. "It's not so much that I don't like the food," she admitted. "It's more that…" She glanced at Kaori, debating how much she should say. "It's just…well… In prison, the food I had was much less rich, and there was….less of it." Not that she had been starved, or hadn't had enough to eat. She had been treated well, and eaten well. Just not the decedent, expensive, sometimes heavy food Suyin's cook was so fond of preparing. "It's hard for me to finish a plate. I'm not accustomed to it." Kuvira focused on the grass, aware of the awkwardness she had brought on the group. Kaori seemed horrified, and Baatar…she was not sure what Baatar was thinking. He just watched her from under knitted brows. He already knew of her conditions in prison. She was sure that Suyin had discussed it with him.

"They didn't feed you enough?" Kaori's eyes were wide, and her voice shook.

"What? Oh, no it wasn't like that," Kuvira backpedalled. She had not meant to upset the girl. "They fed me. I Just not the same kind of food you get here."

Kaori looked from her to Baatar. "I don't understand."

"Well, Kaori," he began, choosing his words carefully. "You know that prison is for…trying to teach people what they've done wrong." Kuvira appreciated that he didn't say it was for punishment, even though she knew that was the truth. "It's not supposed to be fun or…comfortable."

"So there was no dessert?" This time the question was directed back to Kuvira.

"Um…every once in a while," she replied. "Not often, but…on very special occasions."

"Kaori, honey," Baatar said softly. "Kuvira probably doesn't want to talk about prison. It's not a fun place."

"Oh. Oh no, I'm sorry!" She bit her lip, brows drawn. "I didn't mean to say anything to upset you."

Kuvira shook her head. "It's all right. I'm not upset." And she wasn't. Talking about her time in prison was not something that she could, or would even want to, avoid. Korra had been very clear in preparing her for her release. She had to learn how to process that time and what had happened to her. What she had gone through. What she had caused. Talking about it was one of the best ways to do that. She was just unsure if it was appropriate to discuss it with Kaori, who was just a child. Kuvira did not know how much Kaori knew of what she had done. Of the lives she had ruined, the people she had killed. The pain she had caused. She wondered if Kaori knew, and if she would still look up to Kuvira once she found out. For some reason, the thought of Kaori hating her gave Kuvira great pain in her heart. She suddenly wanted to ask Baatar if she knew. She wanted to know if there was a possibility that in the future, Kaori would shun her, treat her as the villain she was. If it did happen, she would blame the girl. She just wanted to prepare for the possibility.

Kuvira was tired of people leaving her.

But, she reflected, not all of them stayed gone. Suyin had come back for her.

"We can talk about something else instead," Kaori said, taking a plate and putting food on it. "Like, oh! Su is going to let me start doing dance performances. Isn't that great!"

Kuvira was prepared for the stab of pain and jealousy, and she was able to move past it quickly. She would be happy for Kaori, happy that the girl would not suffer like she did. She would even be happy for Suyin and Baatar having another chance to get things right. It was not her failure. Their inability to integrate her into their family was not on her. It was their failing, not hers. And she had to keep reminding herself of that. She was not to blame for her childhood. And neither was Kaori.

"That is great. Su is a very good teacher. I'm sure you will be wonderful." She smiled at Kaori, and the girl's face lit up. Beside her, Baatar was watching Kuvira intently. His hand twitched as if he wanted to reach for her, but he didn't. They had never had that type of relationship, even when she was young. Where she had accepted hugs, kisses, touches from Suyin, there had always been more of a barrier between her and Baatar. She sometimes wondered what his true feelings towards her were. He was certainly trying hard to be kind and open and welcoming with her now. He always greeted her with a broad, wide smile, with happiness that suggested he was truly glad to see her. He always seemed so genuine, and she could not find any evidence that it was an act.

"I've watched them practice before," Kaori continued. "Everyone is so talented. Su says that I can be a flier because I'm the littlest."

"I started off as a flier, too," Kuvira told her. "Actually…I continued as a flier. Once I was older, I could throw myself up." She realized that she had not yet put food on her plate, so she remedied that. As she filled her plate with rice and dumplings, she crossed her legs and settled in. "I was around your age when I started dancing with the troupe."

Kaori frowned, puzzled. "Well, why don't you dance with them now?"

Startled, Kuvira did not know what to say. "I…well, it's been…a long time since I danced like that." Thirteen years. Since before she left Zaofu. "I'm not sure I could anymore." She had done her best to keep up her forms, but…there was only so much she could do in a prison cell.

"You could always come and practice!"

"I…" Kuvira looked to Baatar, but he could only shake his head softly. There were so many reasons why she did not feel she could attend dance sessions in Zaofu anymore. So many people she had hurt. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"But why no— "

"Kaori." Kuvira had rarely ever heard Baatar's voice so hard, and clearly neither had Kaori. She flinched, and looked at him, mouth open in shock. "Just let this go. If Kuvira wants to come to dance practice, she will. But her reasons not to are her own. And not for you to know."

"Oh." The girl's voice was so small and brittle. "Sorry."

The older man sighed, deflating. "No, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have snapped like that." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head, but he was looking straight at Kuvira. "I just know that there are some things that…aren't polite to ask."

"I know."

"All right." He cupped her face gently and rubbed their noses together, and Kuvira decided it was the most disgustingly adorable thing she had ever seen. "Remember to think before you speak."

"I will." Looking at Kuvira, Kaori tilted her head. "I didn't mean to get pushy."

"It's…fine." She did let herself reach out and ruffle the girl's hair this time. Kaori smiled, and Kuvira relished the rush of warmth that filled her chest. She always worried about being too cold, not feeling enough, not giving enough. But this little girl was pulling it out of her, little by little, sometimes painfully. "I don't really mind that much. Talking about it isn't so hard. I just…don't want to upset you. It was a hard time. I'm just glad to be here now."

"I'm glad you're here, too! I missed you so much while Jr. was here." Her pout was truly impressive.

"You saw me last night," Kuvira said with a small laugh.

"I knoooow, but…" her eyes flitted over to Baatar, and she looked as if she was wrestling with herself. She leaned in really close to Kuvira, and whispered in her ear. "Jr. isn't always nice, and I don't think he likes me."

"Oh, Kaori." Kuvira could not say what she really wanted to, not with Baatar right there. He could probably hear them, she was sure. Her eyes slid to the side to try and gauge his reaction to Kaori's words. His face was a dark mask of shame and anger. She tore her gaze away, focusing on Kaori again. "He doesn't like me much either. But you know what? That doesn't matter. Because we both have plenty of people who do like us."

Kaori nodded. "Like Su. And Baatar." She glanced at her guardian, giving him a lopsided smile. The older man relaxed slightly. Kuvira knew that he was not proud of how Jr. acted around Kaori, but Jr. was still his son, still his family. "And Huan and Yunru and Opal and Bolin and Wing and Wei! And even Aunt Lin."

Aunt Lin. Another difference. She was an aunt to Kaori. To Kuvira, she was Chief. Maybe something close to a friend. Maybe. But she had never been family. Granted, for the majority of the time Kuvira had been with the Beifongs, Lin had been estranged. No chance for Kuvira to form a relationship with her before she was incarcerated. Surprisingly, the jealousy was minimal. She knew Lin now. Had something like a friendship with her. Even with Kya. The waterbender visited with Korra sometimes. Sometimes on her own. She seemed invested in Kuvira's 'spiritual healing,' as she liked to put it.

The point was, Kuvira knew that she wasn't as alone as she sometimes felt. And she had to keep that in mind, had to keep herself from wallowing in self-pity. Baatar Jr. hated her, but he was no longer a part of her life. He was no longer important. She decided that for every time Baatar Jr. had made Kaori upset, she would give the girl a happy memory. It was the least she could do since she was partially responsible for his reaction to the girl. His feelings towards her colored his feelings toward Kaori. And perhaps it was not fair to either of them, but it was the reality of the situation. Which reminded her-

"Baatar, I was meaning to ask you if tomorrow it would be all right for Kaori to help me with my current project." She wanted to move the conversation away from anything that was uncomfortable for any of them. "I know I could use the help." She really didn't need any help, and she knew Baatar was aware of that. They both knew she was offering for Kaori's sake.

"I don't see why not. So long as she does her bending practice and all of her school work."

Kaori made a face and sighed dramatically at the mention of school. "Oh come on, Baatar! I don't need to go-"

"Yes, you do." Baatar pressed a finger to her lips, amused. "You have to learn your arithmetic if you want to be an architect."

This surprised Kuvira. She had just assumed that Kaori was interested in joining the guard, in becoming a warrior. "You want to be an architect?"

"Yep. I love building things, and I want to build a whole city like Baatar did!" The excitement on her face was so refreshing. Of course, Kaori was always excited about something, but this was different. This was something like a true drive, an internal motivation to do something good. To build something beautiful.

"That's a really wonderful dream to have. To work for." She wanted to warn Kaori about the dangers of giving herself over to her passions. Of losing herself in her attempts to fulfill a dream. She did not know if Kaori had her same tendencies to extremes, if she would be in danger of going off the path, losing herself. She did not know, and she had to keep herself from voicing those fears. They were hers, not Kaori's. And she did not have the right to dampen the girl's enthusiasm because she feared their similarities.

"Kaori is very talented," Baatar said, the pride clear in his voice. Jr. had not quite followed in his footsteps the way he wanted. Regardless of the crimes he had committed with Kuvira, he wasn't as interested in architecture as his father. Kuvira knew that Baatar Sr. had always wanted one of his children to be as passionate about his work as he was. Perhaps Kaori could be that for him. "You should see some of her sketches. Very ambitious. Very cutting edge for someone of her age."

"I would love to see them some time," Kuvira said to the girl. "If, that is, you would allow it."

"Really? You want to see my drawing?"

"Yes."

"Of course!" Kaori hopped up, and Baatar had to put a hand on her arm.

"Not just yet, sweetheart," he laughed. "Let's finish eating first."

"But I'm almost done!"

"Your sketches will still be there when everyone is finished," he assured her. Gently, he tugged on her sleeve until she plopped back down next to Kuvira.

"Fine." The girl's arms crossed, and her lip stuck out in a pout.

"What are you three doing out here?" Suyin was walking towards them, one hand on her hip, the other shading her eyes.

"Having a picnic!" Kaori called. "There's still plenty of food left if you're hungry."

"Well, as a matter of fact, I haven't eaten yet." Suyin came to stand over them, her mouth quirked in a small smile. Her eyes sparkled with amusement. And perhaps something like contentment. She leaned over to press a kiss to Kaori's hair before lowering herself next to Kuvira. She smiled more broadly at Kuvira. "Glad to see you out and about."

"Glad to be out and about." Her room had felt more like a prison than her cell ever had. Even when Suyin and Kaori had visited her.

Suyin looked over the food and gathered some for herself. "So you all decided to have a picnic without me?"

"We thought you would be in your meeting longer," Baatar confessed.

"So did I. But…It was such a beautiful day, and I missed having supper together." Kuvira thought that Suyin looked wistfully at her. She knew the older woman had missed her. Suyin had been vocal about that already.

"I admit, I have also…missed it." Kuvira was painfully aware that she blushed as she said it.

"Well, things are back to normal now," Suyin said, her smile turning forced. Kuvira knew that she was upset about Jr. About the fact that he was still so bitter, still so angry. That he made things so difficult for everyone. That he was cruel to Kaori. Kuvira knew that Suyin wanted thing to be different. She wished that she could enjoy her time with her son without worrying about how it affected Kuvira and Kaori.

Kuvira boldly reached over and grasped Suyin's hand. She gave a light squeeze. To let the other woman know that she was still there. That this week had been hard, but they had gotten through it. It was going to be all right, and they were going to make it.

The next week, Avatar Korra would be coming for Kuvira's first post-prison evaluation, and Kuvira found that she was very much looking forward to it. Korra had been the first person to befriend her after her incarceration. Korra who had risked her life to save Kuvira from her own spirit weapon. And when she was around, Kuvira felt grounded. The time she had spent in Zaofu, she had missed Korra.

Things were looking up.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** I didn't even proof read this once, so I'm sorry if it's not very coherent. I wanted to get it up today.

Also, warning for panic attack and Kuvira thinking about the nature of her relationship with Su and if they count as family in a way that would make romance a no go.

* * *

><p>"Stop fidgeting," Suyin said, amusement coloring her voice. Kuvira was bouncing from foot to foot as they waited for the airship to land.<p>

"I'm not…" She sighed and willed herself still. Hard to believe she was only a few years away from forty. This visit had her feeling like a teenager again. "I'm just nervous," she relented. Lying to Suyin would be useless. The other woman knew her well enough. And even if she didn't, Kuvira had long ago lost her impressive poker face. Ten years in prison, much of it spent alone, could have that effect.

"Nervous to see Korra?" There was an odd tone to Suyin's voice that Kuvira could not place. As if the older woman was trying too hard to sound casual. "Or nervous about her evaluation of you?"

Kuvira thought about it for a moment. "Both."

She had felt so different the past few weeks. Like some strange mix of who she was as a teenager, and who she was now as someone closing in on middle age (Suyin would tell her that thirty-seven was hardly middle aged). She felt like someone her age should be…farther along in life. She was so completely dependent on other people, much like a teenager. She did not have her own income, a job, anything that did not belong to Suyin in some way. Korra was six, almost seven, years younger, and had a wife, a family, friends, a position of significant importance. She had saved the world multiple times before any of that happened, once from Kuvira herself. She just felt so young and so far behind where she wanted to be. She just wanted to make sure that from this point forward, she would progress as Korra wanted.

She also worried that her internal conflict over her feelings for Suyin would be so incredibly obvious to the Avatar. Here she was supposed to be trying to heal spiritually and reach a peace and calm and instead, she felt more jumbled and mixed up inside than she had in a very long time. In fact, the last time she had felt so confused had been at Lin and Kya's wedding three years earlier when she had run into Suyin for the first time outside her prison cell. It had been a strange and awkward encounter at first, as if they were both unsure how to speak with one another without the bars between them (Kuvira had gotten permission to go since the entire police force and the Avatar would be there and she was seven years into her sentence with a perfect behavioral record). It had also been the first time Kuvira had felt true affection from Suyin since her imprisonment. Perhaps because the other woman had been well on her way to drunkenness, and her inhibitions had been lowered, but Suyin had been open and honest and had spent much of the evening by Kuvira's side, away from her family.

And then their next meeting, Suyin had gone back to being cold and aloof. And it had taken them three years to get back to that point.

"I'm sure that both will be fine," Suyin said, laying a hand on Kuvira's arm. "You've come so far. Do you feel like you are where you should be?"

It was such a loaded question, and Kuvira was unsure how to answer it.

"I don't know."

"Only you can decide how quickly you should be moving," Suyin said softly, her eyes full of something more than affection. Love. It wasn't like it was a surprise. Not like Suyin hadn't already said she loved Kuvira plenty of times before. It wasn't a secret she was trying to hide. Still, it had been so long since someone had looked at her that way. It still startled Kuvira. No one's eyes had shown such love towards her since…well, since Baatar Jr. She really did not want to think about what that could mean.

She was most definitely reading too much into it. Letting her attraction and emotions color how she was reading Suyin's words and actions. She had never seen anyone so in love with their partner than Suyin and Baatar Sr. Well, except perhaps Korra and Asami. And Lin and Kaya, though they were usually much more downplayed than the other two couples (she decided that making out at their own wedding after a few drinks each didn't really count towards their pda tally). Suyin loved Baatar very much, considered him a partner in every way. She also loved Kuvira, just not in the way Kuvira want-

No. She did not want that. She did not want to destroy a marriage, a family.

She realized Suyin was still looking at her expectantly. "I…I know. I set my own pace." Korra had drilled those words into Kuvira's head when she had become discouraged by her hard it was for her to work though her guilt, how slowly she processed everything. "I just…"She sighed. It was an issue she was not ready to discuss with Suyin. "It doesn't matter."

"It clearly does." Suyin was about to say more, but the airship was docking. "We will talk about this later," she promised. She was becoming more insistent about discussing Kuvira's feelings, her emotions. Kuvira got the distinct feeling that Korra had put her up to it, had asked Suyin to make sure that her charge was not bottling up her emotions in an unhealthy way. As if Suyin was the best for that job, she thought bitterly. Suyin who liked to pretend bad things never happened and that she had never once put herself at risk doing something reckless and stupid.

But Kuvira would have to ponder that later because an Avatar shaped blur was hurtling toward her.

"Kuvira!" At thirty-one, Korra still had the energy of a teenager, nearly knocking them both over as she wrapped Kuvira in a hug. For the first time since arriving in Zaofu, Kuvira felt light and free, laughing as she caught Korra.

"It's so good to see you," she said, reciprocating Korra's hug. Her entire being just relaxed in Korra's arms. She had not really realized just how much she had missed the Avatar. In prison, Korra had visited her at least twice a week. They had not gone so long without seeing each other in years and years. Next to her, Suyin's brows drew together in an almost frown, but her attention was soon taken by the other passenger disembarking from the airship.

"Hey, Sis," Lin Beifong said as she approached. She pulled Su into a hug. They broke their embrace long before Korra let go of Kuvira. When she finally relented, Lin clapped Kuvira on the shoulder. "Nice to see you, too, kiddo." Lin liked to call anyone under the age of fifty 'kid,' no matter how old that person was or how many children they had, as Korra liked to point out.

"Good to see you, too, Chief."

Lin made a face and waved her hand dismissively. "I retired two months ago, Kuvira. Just call me Lin."

"All right. Then it's good to see you, Lin." It would be hard for her to adjust. Lin had always been Chief of Police. Always. As long as Kuvira had been incarcerated, up until the last month. When she had stepped down, Kuvira had feared that her successor would go back on the parole. But Saikhan had honored the agreement. And Lin was still in charge of Kuvira's parole, still the one charged with checking in on her. When she wasn't traveling with Kya, of course.

Korra had moved on to hugging Suyin. It might have been her imagination, but Kuvira thought that Suyin's greeting to the Avatar was slightly cooler than usual.

"Korra, how are you?" Her smile seemed strained, but Kuvira thought she must be the only one who saw it. Korra and Lin both acted normal. "How are Asami and the kids?"

"I'm well, and the family is amazing, as always," Korra said with a laugh. "Oh! I have like a million pictures of the baby!" She began reaching into her pocket to pull them out, but Lin touched her hand, stalling her.

"Later, Kid. Let's get settled first."

"Oh. Right." Korra grinned, and Kuvira could not help but smile in return. Everything with Suyin was always so serious and intense. She knew that Suyin could be light and fun. She was with Kaori and Baatar Sr. and even Huan when he allowed it. And fourteen years earlier, she would have been the same way with Kuvira. But now they were just beginning to figure out how to be around each other again. They weren't ready for teasing, for light hearted fun. Not yet. But Korra and Kuvira already had ten years of healing under their belts, and their relationship was not so heavy anymore.

"Let's move this inside," Suyin said. She let the group inside as guards took Lin and Korra's bags to their rooms.

"Asami wishes she could have come," Korra explained as they walked. "But we didn't feel comfortable leaving the little ones, and we thought the trip would be too much for them."

Suyin nodded. "Of course. We understand." She looked at Kuvira, clearly speaking for them both. It was odd, being included in a unit with Suyin. There was a strange intimacy about it that set Kuvira on edge.

Suyin led them into the large salon, where she took a seat on the couch, her legs curled up under her. She looked at Kuvira and patted the place next to her, the invitation clear. This kind of possessiveness was startling. Feeling suddenly awkward, Kuvira gingerly lowered herself into the offered seat. Lin and Korra took the other couch, across the miniature replica of Zaofu.

"How was the trip?" Suyin asked, as if everything was normal. Kuvira frowned and looked over at her. The older woman leaned against the back of the couch, her arm draped over it in a way that settled it behind Kuvira's shoulders. Kuvira was unsure what kind of message Suyin was trying to send, and who she was trying to send it to. Clearly, it was an action that marked Kuvira as 'hers,' which felt equal parts unsettling and thrilling to Kuvira. But who in the room would be threatening that? Lin didn't care, and Korra just wanted everyone to be happy.

"It was uneventful," Lin said, shrugging. Her shrewd eyes had followed Suyin's arm as it snaked around Kuvira's shoulders. "Though someone wouldn't stop singing 'Secret Tunnel' after Kya told them how much it bugged me." She glared at Korra who shot her a brilliant smile.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Korra said, feigning innocence. Kuvira had to smile at the image. She knew how much Korra enjoyed irritating Lin. The two of them had known each other for a long time, had been through a lot together, and Kuvira knew that the teasing between them was out of affection forged through surviving together.

Lin rolled her eyes at Korra. "Anyway, besides that, it was fine. No turbulence or anything. This new design for airships that Asami made is so much more streamline. That girl is a wonderment."

Korra nodded in agreement, a dreamy smile on her face. "Yeah. Asami is so awesome."

"You'd think that you two had only been together for a few months, the way you get all moony-eyed when you talk about her," Lin said.

"Oh, and you don't get that way about Kya?"

Lin sniffed. "That's hardly the point here."

"Yes, yes," Suyin interrupted. "You're both disgustingly in love." She may have glanced at Kuvira there, but the younger woman stared resolutely ahead, refusing to meet Suyin's eyes. How had this gotten so uncomfortable so fast? Just the week before, she had been promising herself that she would not let herself get too close to Suyin. She would keep a respectful distance, keep herself from doing anything to cause this situation to become….complicated. Until today, she had thought that her feelings, her attraction and…whatever else she was feeling, was unreciprocated. But this….this strange jealously she sensed from Suyin could have pointed to the contrary.

Or perhaps she was reading too much into the situation. Suyin knew she was nervous about all of this. Perhaps she was staying close and offering moral support. Just showing Kuvira that she was there.

"I've had lunch prepared for us all," Suyin continued. "It should be ready shortly. Korra, what was your timeline for working with Kuvira?"

Korra's brows shot up, and she seemed startled. "Oh. I had kind of just planned on winging it. There's no set criteria to decide how well she's doing." Korra looked at Kuvira. "What do you think?"

"I had thought you would decide," she admitted, appreciating that Korra wasn't going to talk about her like she wasn't there.

"All I need to know," Lin said, "from my side, is has she broken any rules while being here?"

"No," Suyin said.

"Has she been cooperative?"

"Yes."

"Has she threatened anyone or tried to leave?"

"No."

"All right. The rest of it, I'll have to ask you in private, Su." She shrugged at Kuvira. "No offense. Just procedure. I'll ask you some questions later, after Korra's done her thing."

"That's fine," Kuvira said, nodding. She understood how it had to work. Though she had not felt like a criminal the last few weeks, she knew that was what she still was. Someone who could potentially be rather dangerous to the public at large. Someone who had to be monitored. This was a part of the conditions of her release. Free from prison, but not truly free. Perhaps she never would be. That prospect was…daunting. She had been prepared for it while in prison, had been able to let go of any hope of living a normal life again. But now…now it was so close. She almost had it. Because really, even if she had been free, this was where she would be. If Suyin would have her, Zaofu was always where she would come back to. Suyin was who she would always come back to.

It struck her then that it had always been Suyin. Even when it had been Baatar Jr., it had been Suyin. And that revelation struck her so deeply that she found herself standing up abruptly.

When she realized they were all looking at her, she knew she had to cover quickly. "Excuse me. I need to use the restroom."

"Kuvira," Suyin began, standing up with her. "Are you all right?"

"Fine. I'll be right back." Swallowing her panic, she strode out into the hallway and straight to the nearest privy. Once inside, she leaned over, bracing herself on the wash counter, trying to focus on her breathing. Another panic attack was on its way, she knew. She immediately turned all her attention to counting out her breathing. No one was with her to help her through it, and she did not want Suyin to know it was happening at all. She did not want the questions that would come with it because in this state, she was unsure if she could lie convincingly.

"Kuvira?" The voice through the door was Korra's.

"Just-a-a—m-minute," Kuvira stammered, knowing that her voice was high and thready.

Instead of waiting, Korra opened the door, closing it quickly behind her. "I thought so," she said softly, taking in Kuvira's predicament. "Okay, look at me, Kuvira. We've done this a million times together." She waited as Kuvira straightened out, then took the older woman's face between her hands. "In—two—three—four—five—six—seven. Hold—two—three—four—five. Out—two—three—four—five—six—seven." Korra closed her eyes, and Kuvira felt the familiar tingle of her accessing her spirit energy. A they counted together, Korra used that energy to soothe Kuvira's racing heart. It was, they had found, the most effective way of easing a panic attack. It was faster and better than just talking Kuvira down. "Close your eyes, Kuvira," Korra spoke quietly. "Find your inner peace. All of this is just a storm that will pass. Just go to your sanctuary."

They had created a place in Kuvira's mind where she was safe from the pressures of the outside world, from her own thoughts. A place she could retreat to when things became too overwhelming. She had been neglecting to meditate like this since coming to Zaofu. She would have to be more diligent in the future.

Eventually, Korra released her hold on Kuvira. "Better?"

"Yes." She looked into the Avatar's blue eyes and knew she was going to have to tell Korra everything. Honesty was the only way to heal. The only way to keep her spirit from becoming twisted and cold again.

"So, you want to tell me what that was about?" Korra kept a hand on Kuvira's shoulder. "Do you know what it was about? Was it about Su?"

Sighing, Kuvira leaned against the counter, breaking her contact with Korra. "Yes."

"Are things…okay between you two?"

Kuvira shrugged helplessly. "They've been…really great, actually. She's been…very supportive and good with me. Even when Jr. came to visit, she was there for me."

"Yeah, I was going to ask about that," Korra admitted. "When Lin told me he had come to visit, I knew it would be hard on you."

"It definitely wasn't fun." She crossed her hands over her chest. "I…I had another panic attack then, too. Su helped me through that one."

"But you two haven't had any fights or anything?"

"No. Like I said. Things have been good."

"So then what was this about?"

Kuvira turned away, shaking her head. "I don't…I just…I'm confused."

"About?"

"My feelings."

"For Su?"

"Yes."

Korra came over to stand in front of her again, dipping her head down to try and get a good look at Kuvira's face. "Kuvira."

"I know."

"Like romantic?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Shit."

"I know."

"Does she know?"

Kuvira shook her head again. "No. At least, I haven't said anything. I really hadn't figured it out until about five minutes ago."

"Okay." Korra leaned against the counter next to her, blowing out a long sigh. "Okay. We can figure this out."

"There's nothing to figure out," Kuvira said. "She's married, and that's that. It doesn't matter what my feelings are. I'm not going to let them go any further. I…Korra, I'm happy here, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize this."

"You've had two panic attacks in less than a month. That's the closest together they've been in over a year."

"I know. But they've both been for good reasons. And we both knew that this change in environment could cause them to be more easily triggered."

"That's true." Korra looked at her with concern. "But is this going to cause you more trouble? I don't want you in a place where you're going to be in emotional turmoil."

"I'm all right." Kuvira knew that Korra and Lin could take her back to Republic City at any time. If they thought it was best. She hated having so little say over her own life. But she had done it to herself. She just had to trust that Korra would listen to her.

"If you want, I can find another place for you," Korra said. "I can make it happen."

"I don't know. I…I'm home. And I haven't felt that in…a very long time."

Korra slung an arm around Kuvira's shoulder, and pulled her close. "You do seem happier. Different. I'll need to see you in your daily routine, but I'm already pretty sure that you're where you're supposed to be. Do you think so?"

Kuvira nodded. "Even with everything that's going on, I think I'm on the right path."

"We're going to have to talk about this more."

"I know."

"But for now, they'll be wondering where we are. Su wanted to come after you, but I convinced her to wait. Are you ready to go back out there?" Korra pushed herself off the counter and looked at Kuvira expectantly.

"Thank you." Kuvira straightened up. "I think I'm ready."

When they returned to the salon, Suyin was pacing like a caged tigress. When she saw Kuvira, she headed over to them in a bee-line.

"Are you all right?" She asked, coming up to take Kuvira's face in her hands. Korra raised her brows but said nothing.

"I'm fine." Kuvira did not know why she felt so irritated with Suyin, but she did. The other woman's hands on her face made her feel trapped and cornered where they usually brought comfort. She gently pulled away. "I just needed a moment."

"Did you have a panic attack?"

"It was nothing. Korra handled it."

"Maybe you should go rest-"

"It's fine!" Silence rand after her forceful declaration.

"Just let it go, Su," Lin urged her shocked sister. "If Korra and Kuvira think that it's fine, then it's fine."

Kuvira's face burned from being the cause of the whole situation, and she knew that even if Suyin dropped it for now, later she would want to talk about this again. Suyin glared at her sister, but they were all saved by the messenger who came to tell them that lunch was ready.

As usual, Kuvira took her place next to Suyin, with Korra on her other side. Kaori was beside herself meeting the Avatar, and her excitement managed to temper the tension from earlier. She dominated the conversation as she asked Korra about what the Avatar did, all about her adventures, all about the Spirit world.

Suyin and Kuvira barely said two words to each other, and Kuvira knew that Baatar had noticed. He watched them both carefully, and Kuvira wanted to throw up. He was so concerned about her wellbeing, and she repaid him by having a growing physical and romantic attraction to his wife.

His wife who was old enough to be her mother. Who had indeed tried to be a mother to her. Whose son she had almost married. It was wrong. So so so wrong for her to feel this way about Suyin. Was she just latching on in an attempt to fill that whole that was still left by her abandonment? Was she trying to compensate for all the people she had lost over the years? Was she feeling this way because Suyin was the only one who had ever come back?

She knew that if Korra had not calmed her spirit earlier, she would have spiraled into another panic attack right there at the table. As it was, she could not stomach more than a few bites of her food, and just pushed it around on her plate. Suyin kept watching her worriedly. Korra, too, kept an eye on her as she answered Kaori's questions.

Kuvira tried to go over in her head all the reasons why she could not have romantic feelings toward Suyin. First, Suyin had been her guardian, had taken her in when she was eight. Spirits, when she was a child. Most people would see Suyin as her mother. Though Kuvira knew that wasn't true. She had never been a child of Suyin's. If she had, then her engagement to Baatar Jr. would have been exceptionally problematic. If she had been Suyin's child, then he would have been her brother. But that was not how it had worked at all. Suyin had been her teacher, her mentor, even a friend. But never a parent.

A more pressing reason was that Suyin was twenty years her senior and married. And Kuvira's guardian. That stalled her. Suyin had power over her. Suyin could throw her out at any time. If she mis-stepped, then if she messed this up, the she would have nowhere else to go. She and Korra had talked many times about how to have healthy relationships, and Kuvira knew that as long as Suyin was her guardian, as long as Suyin was in charge of her, responsible for her, they could never have a healthy relationship between equals. And that more than anything ha her sighing and slumping in her chair.

Had she been the type to drink, she would have asked for a rather large glass of wine to drown in.

When lunch was over, she knew Suyin wanted to speak with her, but Lin and Korra managed to convince her to let Korra take Kuvira for what they called an 'evaluation session.' Suyin was not pleased, but she relented, letting Korra go with Kuvira back to her rooms for meditation and discussion.

Contrary to what Kuvira had expected, Korra did not immediately want to talk about Suyin. First, they spoke about Kuvira's routine, what she worked on each day, if she felt fulfilled, if she felt like she could be doing more. They discussed how Kaori's presence was hard for Kuvira and how she had successfully worked through those issues in a constructive manner. The subject stayed away from Suyin for so long that Kuvira thought maybe Korra wasn't going to bring it up at all. She was wrong.

The subject of Kaori led to the subject of Suyin. Korra looked at Kuvira seriously. "We need to talk about this Suyin thing. I know you said you could handle it, but you looked awful during lunch, and everyone could tell."

Kuvira groaned, pushing herself up from where she had been sitting on the floor. "Would you like some tea?" she asked. "This type of conversation goes better with tea."

"Sure," Korra said, standing and stretching, as well. She paced around the room a few times before sitting on the couch. "So tell me what you were thinking about at lunch."

"I was thinking about all the reasons why I can't even think about Suyin this was. The least of those reasons being the age difference."

"Okay. Hit me. What are the reasons?"

"She could have been my mother."

"But she wasn't, and we both know neither of you saw your relationship that way."

"That's true," Kuvira said, waiting for the water to boil. She had come to that conclusion on her own, but it still felt strange. She knew that other people wouldn't see it her way. They would see it as something awful. "It doesn't even matter, though. Even if she was my age and single, it would still be a horrible idea."

"Why?" Korra just tilted her head, as if she already knew the answer and just wanted Kuvira to say it.

"She has power over me," Kuvira said softly. "There is a power imbalance. She gets to tell me what to do, legally. It's not a good dynamic for a relationship."

"Korra gave her a sad smile. "Exactly."

"So really, none of the other stuff matters," Kuvira said as she poured the tea. She gave a cup to Korra and went to stand next to the bookshelf. She did not quite feel like sitting just yet.

"I'll ask again. Do you think you can stay here, or is it going to be too hard or turn into a bad situation?"

"I was telling the truth earlier when I said this was where I wanted to be."

"What we want and what we need aren't always the same," Korra told her gently.

"I know."

"Look, from what I've seen so far, you're thriving here," Korra said. "And I'm pretty sure Su is going to only say good things to Lin. I don't really know what the best thing to do is here. If you stay, but this thing with Su continues to get worse, it could really set you back and hurt you. And hurt her. But if I take you away…It could be just as bad. So tell me honestly. What do you think will be best for you?"

Kuvira did take the time to think it over. It was an important decision, and Korra was allowing her to use her own judgment. At least in a small way she had some autonomy. Which felt so incredibly good. She thought that she had the proper amount of freedom in Zaofu. There was nowhere else she could go where the person over her would trust her the way Suyin did. And there was nowhere else where she would feel comfortable and at home.

"I need to stay here," she said finally.

"All right," Korra nodded. "I'll trust you. But Kuvira, please be careful, and be aware of what's happening. The moment you think things are changing for the worse, contact me, and we will figure something out. I promise."

"I will. I mean, I'm not even entirely sure what it is I feel." Kuvira turned to look at Korra. "I'm just…so confused."

Korra stood and came up next to Kuvira. "I just want you to be happy."

"I am. I mean…as happy as I can be." Kuvira sighed. "I just don't want to mess this up."

"You're doing really well, considering all the changes you've been through. It's hard to adjust."

"I'm really glad you're here," Kuvira whispered. She stood there and let Korra hug her.

"You need to be careful with yourself," Korra said. "Su is like the sun, I know. It's so easy to be drawn to her and want to give things up for her. But you have to make the decisions that are best for you."

"I'm trying."

Korra pulled back and placed a kiss on Kuvira's forehead. "We've talked through a lot today, and I know you're exhausted. Why don't you get some rest, and we'll do more tomorrow." Kuvira nodded and walked Korra to the door. As she sat alone in her room, she wondered if she really could do this. Because all she wanted now was to see Suyin. Even after every revelation she'd had that day, she wanted Suyin to be with her. She wanted Suyin to knock on her door, to come in her room. She probably wanted Suyin to kiss her.

No, she definitely wanted Suyin to kiss her.

And with that in mind, she went to bed, trying to force her mind to let go of the woman she could never ever have.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** again, hasn't been beta'd, so excuse the mistakes.

trigger warning for another panic attack on Kuvira's end.

* * *

><p>As it turned out, Suyin came to her. A few hours after Korra left. When Kuvira was asleep, there came a knocking at her door. Groggy, Kuvira dragged herself out of bed to answer it. Suyin stood on the other side.<p>

"Su. It's the middle of the night."

Suyin frowned. "It's only ten."

Blinking, Kuvira checked the clock. She must have gone to bed earlier than she thought. "Oh. I was asleep."

"Can I come in?"

"Um…Sure." Kuvira stepped aside to let Suyin into the sitting room. Instead of sitting, she began pacing. Kuvira watched her, waiting for whatever onslaught was coming. She ran through the possibilities, but what Suyin said hadn't even been on the list of possibilities.

"What's going on with you and Korra?"

Kuvira frowned, unsure what Suyin was asking. "What?"

"What's between you and Korra?"

Shaking her head, Kuvira rubbed a hand over her eyes. "I don't understand what you mean. She's my friend."

"Do you have feelings for her?" Suyin's voice grew high and tense.

Kuvira just stared at her, mouth open as she struggled to comprehend what Suyin had said. "Do I….what?"

"I saw how you were with her," Suyin continued. "I saw how you looked at her and how she looked at you. Do you love her?"

"I'm so…I don't understand…." Kuvira shook her head, wondering if she was dreaming and when she would wake up. "She's my friend."

"You do know she's married," Suyin pressed. "She has a family. Are you really going to threaten that?" Suyin had stepped closer, and Kuvira could smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Are you drunk?" she asked. She knew Suyin sometimes had too much, that she had struggled in the past with her alcohol consumption. She knew that Suyin used it as a coping mechanism.

"I've only had two glasses. Now don't change the subject." Suyin crossed her arms and glared at Kuvira. "Do you have feelings for Korra?"

"Su, no. No, of course not." Kuvira did not know what to do. She did not know how to handle a probably tipsy Suyin Beifong accusing her of having an affair with the Avatar.

"You let her see you during your panic attack when you wouldn't see me," Suyin accused. "You let her hug you. You never let anyone hug you."

"I let you hug me all the time! I let Kaori hug me. I would even let Baatar hug me," Kuvira protested.

"Not like that. You were laughing and smiling." Suyin's jaw set tightly. "You were different."

"I was just happy to see her…I don't understand-"

"She's never going to leave Asami for you."

Kuvira had to turn away and cover her mouth with her hand. "I don't…I don't want her to leave Asami. I don't want Korra that way." She realized that she was shaking, and she was terrified that all of her emotions from the day would come spilling out in reaction to Suyin's accusations. "I don't…why does it even matter to you?" She glanced over her shoulder because this was finally able to make Suyin stop talking. The older woman's eyes were wide and she lifted her chin, her neck stiff.

"What?"

"Why does it matter to you? Why won't you believe me?"

"I'm just watching out for you!"

"No, you're accusing me of something completely ridiculous!" She trembled, and she couldn't understand why Suyin was saying these things. "I don't have feelings for Korra!"

"Don't you, though?" Suyin's voice was rough with her emotions and the alcohol. "I know you, Kuvira. I can tell."

Kuvira had to laugh at that. She knew it was not the appropriate response, but Spirits, Suyin was accusing her of having feelings for Korra when this entire time she had been fighting her feelings for the very woman in front of her. "You don't know anything," she said.

"Don't try to hide it from me."

"Dammit, Suyin, I don't have feelings for Korra!" Kuvira whipped around and stepped into Suyin's space. "I don't love Korra. Not like that. She's a friend. My closest friend. But I'm not in love with her."

"Then why have you been so distant from me since she got here?"

"That has nothing to do with Korra."

"You've barely spoken to me. You won't let me touch you." Suyin seemed legitimately distressed. "All since they got here. Because I know it's not Lin. Spirits. So that just leaves-"

"It's not Korra! It's y-" Kuvira clamped her hand over her mouth, eyes wide, hoping she had caught herself before Suyin figured out what she had been about to say. She had never meant to ever let Suyin know her feelings. She was so not prepared to do this right now, in the middle of the night, with Suyin full of wine.

"What?" Suyin whispered, looking startlingly sober now.

"Nothing." Kuvira swallowed hard, stepping away. "Just…it's not-"

Suyin followed after her, searching her face. "No, Kuvira. It's not nothing. Please-"

"No. No. Just…please leave, Su."

"Kuvira-"

"Suyin, please! Just forget this. I never meant-" Kuvira covered her face, terrified that she had just ruined everything. This could be the thing that Korra had feared for her, the thing that could get her sent away. Suyin was never supposed to know. "I would never, ever…I just…" Even with the calm Korra had given her earlier, she knew she was headed for a full blown panic attack. She gasped for air, hand over her chest as she tried to escape Suyin.

"Spirits, Kuvira let me-"

"No!" Kuvira held out her other hand, trying to keep Suyin away from her. "I can't….I…It's not what…."

"Kuvira, please you need to breathe."

"I know!" And she tried to, she really did. She got to four in her intake before her body revolted and her lungs refused to inflate any further. As she bent over, folded at the waist, she closed her eyes and tried to find that peace inside her. It was so easy with Korra, but Suyin was…It wasn't Suyin's fault, it really wasn't. Kuvira just had such intense emotions about her, and she was so unable to deal with the fact that she had basically confessed them to the other woman. Even in her inebriated state, Suyin had known. That much was clear.

Cool hands cupped her face, and she heard Suyin's voice penetrate through the panic, soothing even though it had partially been the trigger.

"Come on, Kuvira," she said gently. "Breathe with me. In-two-three-four-"

"I can't," Kuvira croaked. This was one of the worst attacks she'd had in a very long time.

"Yes, you can." Suyin grasped Kuvira's hand, squeezing so tight as to be painful. It gave Kuvira something to focus on. "You are incredible and so brave and strong," Suyin said. "All I need you to do is breathe. I know that seems like it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you've done so much, and I know you can do this. So look at me." She lifted Kuvira's face, and in her eyes was none of the hatred and disgust Kuvira had anticipated. No betrayal, no anger. Only worry and compassion and love. And Kuvira thought maybe she hadn't ruined anything just yet. Maybe she could backtrack and save this. She wouldn't have to leave Zaofu. With Suyin looking at her, she took a breath. Not as deep as she wanted. She only made it five as she inhaled, but it was a start. The next time she inhaled, she made it to six counts, and was able to hold it for the entire five seconds. Finally, she managed to inhale for seven seconds, and she could feel her heartrate begin to slow. She still felt anxious and jittery, like any wrong move would set her off again, and she closed her eyes as Suyin kept counting out loud, her voice low and soft.

"Just breathe with me," Suyin kept saying between counting. "Now just listen to my voice. All you have to do is breath and listen. I'm going to tell you about the first time Huan made a sculpture. He was probably four or five. We knew already that he had no interest in learning to fight. I was… so certain he would not be as talented as me or Lin. I thought that the fact that Baatar was a non-bender had possibly affected his bending abilities-"

"Please don't talk about your family," Kuvira managed, grasping the wrist of the hand that Suyin still held against her face. Suyin looked startled, and Kuvira felt sick again. Suyin talking about her family definitely did not help Kuvira feel less awful about her attraction. It made her feel worse.

"Kuvira, please. I'm not…" Suyin sighed and brushed her thumb along Kuvira's cheek. "I don't want you to be upset. I'm sorry I came here making accusations. I didn't think. I shouldn't have been so impulsive. I didn't realize…" She trailed off and looked at Kuvira seriously. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize your feelings were for me and not Korra. I'm sorry I acted so ridiculous and jealous. I know I made you feel uncomfortable. I was so….unprepared for what seeing with Korra did to me."

Kuvira frowned. "I…don't understand. You're not angry?"

"Why would I be angry?"

Kuvira shook her head. "I….you let me into your home-"

"It's your home, too."

"-and I repay you by…by feeling this way! I never meant-I never wanted you to know. I never meant for you to find out!"

"Why not?"

Kuvira stared, unbelieving. Why not? Surely Suyin was joking. "You're married! And old enough to-"

"Be careful how you finish that," Suyin warned. "I'm not old."

"There is a rather large age difference between us," Kuvira amended. "You have a family, and I never want to hurt them again. Ever."

"Kuvira…" Suyin looked unsure, like she was struggling for words. Then she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Your feelings are not one-sided."

For a full four seconds, Kuvira was frozen, unable to process what Suyin had said. Then she jerked away from the other woman, clutching at her stomach.

"You _can't_! I can't. We…can't," she said. "You're _married_."

"That doesn't matter," Suyin said, and Kuvira balked.

"Of course it does! I will not be a part of destroying a married!"

"No, Kuvira that's not what I meant," Suyin amended. "Baatar knows. He knows how I feel about you. He's always known. I think he knew before I did. I don't have secrets from him. He's my husband, and I love him. I would never hurt him like that."

"I'm so confused," Kuvira said miserably.

"Sweetheart….Baatar and I have an arrangement. We have an open marriage."

"What?"

"I have other lovers." She sighed, her hand coming to rest on her hip. "Well, I had over lovers. I haven't in a while now. Not once….It doesn't matter why. The point is, I love you."

"Oh." And Kuvira finally realized, "All those times you said you love me….you meant like this. How…How long?"

"I was fairly certain at Lin's wedding."

"That was three years ago."

"I know. And that was partially why I was so…distant with you after it. I didn't want to let myself have feelings for you. You were in prison, and at that point, I thought you likely always would be. I couldn't open the door to those kinds of feelings if I could never have you."

Kuvira groaned. Suyin returned her feelings. It was all she could have hoped for, but she knew it still could not happen. There were still so many problems.

"I can't."

"Kuvira, I promise that it's okay with Baatar-"

"No, it's not that. I mean it is…I don't even…" She paused to breathe. "It's not even that I almost married your son or that you're twenty-one years older."

"Then what is it? You have feelings for me, I know. You said as much. You want this, and I want this, and Baatar supports this. I don't understand what the problem is."

"You are in charge of me" Kuvira stressed. "You have power here, and I have none. This…" She gestured to the room. "This is all I have left, Su. If I mess this up, I have nowhere else to go. And you have the power to send me away."

Suyin looked confused. "I would never-"

"I can't take that chance. It's too much of a risk for me, can't you see that? How can I possibly have the open honestly needed for a healthy relationship if I'm constantly worried that speaking my mind will get me kicked out of my home? I can't do that to myself."

Suyin looked about to protest, then she sat heavily on the couch instead, letting her head drop into her hands. "You're right. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't matter if I gave you my word. There would still be that imbalance."

Kuvira watched her, wondering how so much had changed so fast. But then, in action, in reality, nothing could change at all. She could not be more to Suyin than she already was. Suyin could not be more to her than she already was. There could be no more between them than there already was. Not as long as Suyin was over her. Nothing healthy, at least.

"Kuvira, do you want me?" Suyin asked softly. "If things were different, if we could have equal power, would you want me?"

"You already know the answer to that," Kuvira said stiffly. "But it doesn't matter. It can't happen."

"But if we both want it enough, I will find a way," Suyin insisted. "I have wanted you for so long. I can't believe that fate would bring you back to me and then not want us to be able to be together."

"Su," Kuvira sighed. "I don't…There's so much I'm unsure of. I don't know if we should put that effort into it."

"I don't understand."

"You already have a lover," Kuvira said. "I just don't know if I can handle that. I can't…." She deflated, her voice catching as she admitted one of her most intense vulnerabilities. "I can't be second best, Su. I can't…be just a….a fling."

Suyin looked up at her. "Kuvira, love, you would never be a fling. I've usually balanced several lovers, and none of them were ever….more important than the others."

"What happened to them?" Kuvira wanted to know. "Why are you only with Baatar right now?"

"I….In the past ten years, I've not been in a place where I could balance more than one. For the sake of my other lovers….I let them go. It wasn't…fair to them."

"Then you could let go of me."

"Suyin shook her head. "You're different. You've been a part of my life for so long. Of course… there are no guarantees. I…I loved my other partners very much. But things changed, and I…Kuvira, you could never be just a fling to me. I would never do that to you."

Kuvira lowered herself into one of the chairs. "But you would still take other lovers? Have flings with other people while you were with me?"

"It's who I am," Suyin said helplessly. "I would always be honest about it."

"I don't think I would be able to do that. It would hurt me too much to know you were with someone else. And I…Su, I can't ask you to change for me. I won't ask you to do that. So, I really don't see how this could work. Even if you weren't my guardian."

Looking down at her hands, Suyin nodded. "I understand. I… Will never leave Baatar. He's been…my rock-"

"Spirits, Su, no I would never….I would never ask-"

"I know. I know, Kuvira." Suing rested her head in her hands. "What I am saying is that…I would not take others. I would try…not to take any others, if you were with me. Just Baatar."

"Su…I don't think….I don't think I can do that," Kuvira said. "Even if…It doesn't matter, Su. It doesn't…We can't. I just…can't."

Suyin let out a shuddering breath. "I love you."

"That's not enough." Kuvira walked over to the kitchen. When she got there, she realized she did not know what she was doing. She had just needed to put space between her and Suyin. "There is too much. This can't work, Su. For multiple reasons." It surprised her how much this hurt to say. The hope, small as it was, that she'd had of this happening had disappeared. It was clear to her that she had to keep a firm line drawn. "I don't know what my feelings for you are exactly, and I just don't know if it is worth the risk and the effort. If it all goes bad….it could be so complicated."

"That's a valid concern," Suyin admitted. "But I just…how can we not even try?"

"Because I have to protect myself," Kuvira exclaimed. "I cannot give myself to you and hope for the best. Not when I've been making progress. Korra is worried about how this could affect me."

"You talked to her about this?"

"I can't lie to her. Not if I ever hope to fine an inner peace. Besides, it kind of came out during my panic attack in the washroom."

"That's what it was about?"

"Yes."

Suyin stood and came next to Kuvira, looking as if she wanted to offer some sort of physical comfort. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize this had been causing you so much anxiety."

"How could you? I didn't exactly announce it to you. I did my very best to hide it from you."

"I wish I knew what to do about this," Suyin lamented. "There has to be a solution where we both aren't miserable."

"All we can do right now," Kuvira said, "is go about our lives. I cannot do anything more than that. I need for nothing to change."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"If you can't, then I…I can't stay here. Please, Su. I just want this to be…normal. I need to get back to a normal life."

"I know. You're right. The most important thing is for you to heal. I'm being…selfish. This is all…it has such bigger consequences for you than it does for me."

Kuvira turned to face her, surprised to be blinking back tears. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, Kuvira, no." Suyin did engulf her in a hug them. "I want what is best for you, even if it's not what I would prefer. I know…that this is the right decision for you. You need your autonomy before we can even think about anything between us."

Kuvira did not bother reminding Suyin that even if she had autonomy, she still did not see herself being able to deal with Suyin having another lover. It was irreverent. She let Suyin hold her, though, and let herself feel safe and protected for just a while longer. Finally, she pulled back and tentatively put her hand on Suyin's cheek.

"You should go not," she said. "Nothing good can come from you staying any longer."

"Kuvira-"

"Please, Su."

The older woman sighed and pressed a kiss to Kuvira's cheek. "I do love you, Kuvira. And I promise that you will always have a home in Zaofu." And with that, she left.

Kuvira knew that she would be unable to sleep the rest of the night, so she waited until she was sure Suyin was gone before she headed out to the training ground. It was not until she got there that she remembered she was not allowed to practice bending without supervision. She did not know how to get rid of her anxious, restless energy otherwise. All she could do was pace and walk, which were not very effective for calming her. Why did things have to be this way? Why did she have to fall for Suyin, and why did Suyin have to return her feelings? Why did….why did she go through such pain to end up here, longing for something that could never work? Frustrated, she kicked at the ground.

"Hey, kid."

Kuvira jumped and spun around to see Lin walking toward her n a tank top and loose pants.

"Su said you might be out here in need of some sparring, and she refused to tell me why she couldn't come herself. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that she's in love with you."

Kuvira started. "How-"

"Oh please. Su is an open book, and I spent a very long time getting paid to read people. I knew the moment I saw her with you. I'd suspected for a while now, but I was sure as soon as I stepped off the airship. That's what you're so worked up about, isn't it? She confessed to you."

"Yes." Kuvira knew that Lin had not inherited her mother's ability to sense when someone was lying, but she felt no need to press her luck.

"Don't worry," Lin continued with a shrug. "I'm not going to ask how it went or what was said. That's between you, and making sure you make good choices is Korra's job. I'm just here to make sure you're following the conditions of your release." Lin waved a hand dismissively. "So. Do you want to spar?"

"I haven't in years," Kuvira said.

"Good. Then that means these old bones have a chance." Before Kuvira could prepare herself, Lin sent a pillar of earth shooting up under her feet. Kuvira was just able to flip off of that spot, arching back and landing in a roll. When she got to her feet, Lin punched two boulders her way, and Kuvira had to duck to miss one and edged the other's path so that it flew by her instead of into her.

"You can do better than that!" Lin called. "I'm barely even trying!" She stomped and the resulting wave through the earth sent Kuvira flat on her back, and before she could right herself, Lin had her pinned. "You really have let yourself go," Lin remarked. "Come on, Great Uniter."

Anger at her mockery burned in Kuvira, and she broke free of her restrains to send a flying kick at Lin, a large chunk of earth coming with her. Lin easily diverted its path and slammed Kuvira into the ground again. This time, Kuvira was more easily able to bound back up, seeking out the metal in the meteors around them. She swept out her arm, picking up the metal and flinging it at Lin. The older woman split the metal around her before sending it back to Kuvira, who held up her hands to stop the onslaught. While she was busy, Lin caught her in the stomach with another block of earth, sending her sprawling again.

She stood, breathing hard, cheeks flushed as she realized Lin was barely winded. Growling, Kuvira slammed her fist into the ground, intending to trip Lin. The older woman side-stepped, but this time Kuvira was ready, and she already had another raised spine of earth popping up where Lin's was coming down. The former chief teetered, but kept her balance, however, it gave Kuvira time to regroup. Before Lin was settled, Kuvira launched herself into the air, dragging earth with her. Finally, she was able to knock Lin over, and when she landed, grunting as her knees protested, she prepared to hit Lin with another pillar. But the ground under her shifted, and she once again found herself staring at the sky, the breath knocked out of her. This time, stars swan in front of her eyes, and she knew she was done.

"Not bad for ten years out of practice," Lin said from above her. She reached down a hand and pulled Kuvira up. "Sorry about the Great Uniter comment. Needed to get you riled up."

"I was pathetic," Kuvira complained. "Kaori could have beaten me."

"Unlikely," Lin assured her. "And I hope that's not self-pity I hear. I've got twenty-seven years on you. That's a lot of experience. And I haven't been sitting in a cell the past ten years, not sparing. You've used your ending, but not in this way. You can't expect to be where you were before. Not yet, at least."

"You were holding back."

"I was."

"I could have taken you ten years ago."

"When you get up to form, you could demolish me," Lin said seriously. "I'm not young. I wouldn't be able to keep up with you if you were in peak condition. Don't be too hard on yourself. Get Su to spar with you."

"That may not be the best idea," Kuvira muttered, hands on her hips as she tried to catch her breath.

"Su can control herself. Hard to believe, I know. But she loves you, and she'll do her best for you." Lin frowned, as if admitting her sister might do something nice was too much for her. "She's complicated."

Kuvira snorted. "Tell me about it."

"I obviously don't know what's going on between you two, but I do know that….well," she cleared her throat. "I let something good almost get away from me because I kept thinking of reasons why I shouldn't do it. I was just lucky that Kya saw threw my bullshit."

"My reasons aren't bullshit," Kuvira countered, glaring.

"I know. Like I said I don't know what you and Su said to each other. All I know is that she wants you to be happy."

Closing her eyes, Kuvira turned away from Lin. She had really expected that Lin of all people would understand why she could not do this. She had expected a firm support of her decision. Not someone telling her to give it a chance.

"I can't."

"Okay," Lin said, and Kuvira could hear the shrug in her voice. "This is all your choice. And yeah, I agree, as long as Su is over you, this would be a shitty choice. But nowhere does it say that Su has to be your guardian. I'm your parole officer, not her. She's just giving you a place to stay. You can always report to someone else. I can even recommend someone. Someone who lives here in Zaofu, but who isn't in charge of your living arrangements. Hell, if you want, we can even find you your own apartment."

"Lin, please stop. I cannot…I can't do it."

"Can't or won't?"

"She's married."

"And Baatar is fine with whatever the hell Su does. I mean, that man is boring, but Su loves him for some reason."

Kuvira's head whipped around to scowl at Lin, her chest burning with the desire to defend the man who had done so much for her. "Baatar has been incredibly welcoming to me. He is not boring. He's just different from people like us. Just because he's not a soldier or warrior or something like that doesn't mean he's boring. Don't speak of him that way."

Lin just raised a brow and crossed her arms. "All right, then. Seems you've found the secret, too. I just don't see it, but whatever floats Su's boat. Or your boat." Lin shook her head. "Look, the point is, I don't get Su. I don't. But you do. And only you can know if doing whatever it is Su wants is worth it. Just don't let yourself get too caught up with why you think you shouldn't. The reasons probably aren't as important as you think."

Kuvira just stared at her. This was the most honest conversation they had ever had. Normally, they just talked about her sentence or her parole or her community service. Once, they had talked about Lin's decision to propose to Kya, which had been incredibly strange for Kuvira since she had never really felt like she was a part of Lin's personal life. Her invitation to the wedding had proven her wrong. But she had never really thought that Lin cared all that much about her personal life or if she was happy or if she was holding herself back. It was…surreal. To have the former Chief of Police tell her to basically go after her married sister, leader of Zaofu. Nothing about this day had gone as she expected.

"I just don't think I can."

"Okay." Lin stretched and yawned. "You want to go again, or not?"

Kuvira shook her head, suddenly needing to think much more than she needed to release her energy. "No, but thank you. I think I need to be alone."

"You want me to get Korra?"

"No. I'm sure she's asleep. No need to bother her with this."

Lin regarded her carefully, eyes narrowed in scrutiny. "Fine. But you should talk to her about this more. She's all spiritual or whatever. She can help."

"I'll certainly consider that." Kuvira cleared her throat. "Well. I think I should go back to bed now. I was…sleeping when Su came to talk to me."

"Yeah, sure thing. Let me know if you want to spar again."

"I will." Kuvira gave Lin a respectful nod before retreating back to her wing of the compound. Once she was safely back in her room, she headed to the shower, and stood under the water until it ran cold. Then she dried off and lay in bed for hours and hours, going over her options (or lack of options) in her head until the sky began to lighten with the coming dawn.

What was she going to do about this situation with Suyin? She knew that what she felt for Suyin was growing each day, and she doubted her ability to curtail it. She feared that if she stayed in Suyin's company, her feelings would blossom into something that she could not stop, could not hide. And she feared most of all that she would fall for Suyin, that she would love Suyin, and be unable to cope with Suyin's proclivity for other lovers. She did not know if she could even handle Baatar, let alone flings that Suyin may have in the future. More than the power imbalance (which Lin seemed to think could be rectified), Kuvira did not know if she could ever overcome that obstacle.

And she was terrified by the fact that she wanted to try.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:** Sorry for the wait on this. My muse has been flaky lately. Still un-beta'd, so please excuse the mistakes.

* * *

><p>Kuvira did not exactly avoid Suyin for the rest of Korra and Lin's stay, but she did not exactly seek her out either. Kuvira spent what time she could with Korra, which Suyin no longer reacted to with seething jealousy (Korra had thought it was hilarious when Kuvira told her that Suyin had thought they were having an affair). Korra encouraged Kuvira to try and develop a normalized system of communication between her and Suyin. She said that if they had to live together, they would need to learn how to exist together and not be together. Kuvira found it to be incredibly difficult. More difficult than she would have anticipated. She would have expected things to go back to how they had been before Suyin's confession. But they did not. They stayed strange and awkward, and Kuvira found herself barely able to stay in the same room as Baatar. He looked at her like he knew how she felt. Then she remembered Suyin saying that she had no secrets from him, and Kuvira knew that he was aware of what had transpired, aware of her feelings for his wife. She kept waiting for him to confront her about it, to tell her he really was not comfortable with it, to tell her not to even look at Suyin. But he did not. He acted as normal as could be expected in such a situation. The only difference was that he sometimes stared at her for a bit too long, or looked a little too sincere when he asked how she was doing. She managed to avoid being alone with him while Korra and Lin were still there, but she knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to speak with him.<p>

For her part, Suyin spent most of her time with Lin, and Kuvira got the distinct feeling that they were plotting something. Several times, she had come upon them only to have them immediately stop talking as soon as they saw her. Of course, neither of them gave anything away, but she thought Suyin's smiles of reassurance to her were much too innocent.

Kuvira did remember her promise to introduce Hua to Lin and Korra. The young guard was so excited that she could barely speak. Korra found this amusing Lin found it tedious, but she was a good sport since Hua was Kuvira's friend.

On the day Korra was supposed to leave, she came and found Kuvira, who was working with Kaori to repair a damaged section of barracks. Kaori was not really much help, but mostly she was there to learn and keep Kuvira company. She was showing Kaori how to set dry wall using bending, which was no small feat. The mix of different rocks and minerals along with the non-earth components made it a delicate matter. Kuvira did most of the work, but Kaori was diligently paying attention to everything she did.

When it was laid, Kuvira climbed up scaffolding to make sure each joint was plastered securely. Kaori joined her, and their conversation soon turned away from construction.

"So, did you meet Korra before….you know, prison?" Kaori asked her nervously. Since Baatar had admonished her for prying personal questions, Kaori had stopped really asking about Kuvira's life before she returned to Zaofu, but when they were alone, sometimes her curiosity got the better of her.

"I did," Kuvira said. She found that she was now remarkably comfortable with Kaori. When it was just the two of them, things were easy. There was no awkwardness, even when Kaori asked about Kuvira's time in prison. "I met her when I was a guard for Su."

"Like Hua?"

Kuvira smiled. "Yes. Korra came here when Opal became an airbender. And then we got caught up in the Red Lotus." Kuvira let her legs hang over the edge of the scaffolding. "I was Su's captain at the time."

"Wow." Kaori scooted closer. "So you've known her for like…forever!"

Kuvira narrowed her eyes playfully. "Are you saying I'm old?"

"What? No! Not as old as Su, anyway," Kaori said, grinning. Then her smile fell. "Are you two fighting?"

The question surprised Kuvira. "Why do you ask that?"

"You guys aren't really talking a lot. You're normally together so much." Kaori looked distressed. "I don't want you to fight with her. She's been, oh Kuvira you don't even know. She's been so different since you've been here."

"Different?"

"Yeah. She's so much happier now," Kaori insisted. "She's just like…better. She was always kind of sad before."

"Oh." Kuvira did not know what to say to that. It was a lot of pressure to know that her presence changed Suyin's attitude. That she could affect Suyin that much. It was too much. She did not want that kind of pressure on her. She did not want to be responsible for Suyin's happiness.

Kaori did not pick up on her shift in mood, and kept going. "She's always been nice, for sure. But like, now she's dancing a lot more and I even heard her singing the other day. I think she must really love you."

Seeing an opportunity to change the subject, Kuvira said, "She loves you, too. Very much."

Kaori blushed. "I know." Her brows furrowed, and she looked down at her hands. "I know Baatar wouldn't want me to ask you about this but…your parents left you when you were a kid, right?"

Kuvira swallowed. "Yes."

"Mine…died."

"I know," Kuvira said. "I'm sorry."

"It was different for you, wasn't it?"

"What was?" Kuvira had an idea, but she wanted to make sure she was sure she knew exactly what Kaori was asking.

"Coming to Su and Baatar. It was…it was a good thing for me," Kaori said. "I was sad about my parents, and it was just…it got better when I came here. But it wasn't like that for you, was it?"

"No. It was different. My parents…." She let out a long breath. "They left me. It was not…I never really was able to get over that. Su and Baatar didn't know what to do for me. I was…very angry for a very long time."

"I'm sorry," Kaori said, putting a hand on Kuvira's knee.

"It's all right. Things are better now." She gave Kaori a small smile. "And I'm so glad that being here has been good for you."

"I was worried for a while that you…well, that you didn't like me."

Guilt hit Kuvira like a punch in the gut, and she grasped Kaori's hand. "Seeing you for the first time was hard for me, I'll admit. But it was never because of you, Kaori. I think you're really amazing, and I really like getting to spend time with you."

Kaori flushed happily, and was about to say more when they were interrupted.

"Hey," Korra said as she knocked on the doorframe. "You got a second, Kuvira?"

"Sure." Kuvira hopped down from the scaffolding and turned to help Kaori down. "Why don't you go find Baatar for a while?"

Kaori pouted. "I want to stay and talk to Korra!"

"I know, but Korra and I have private things to talk about. You'll get to see her later today before she and Lin leave, I promise."

"Fiiiine," Kaori groaned before stomping from the room.

"You're really good with her," Korra remarked.

"You sound so surprised."

"You always said you never wanted kids."

"She's not my kid," Kuvira said, frowning. "She's barely even Su and Baatar's."

"Okay," Korra relented, hands raised in surrender. She did not sound convinced at all, and Kuvira scowled. Kaori was her….friend. Nothing more. Kuvira certainly did not worry about the girl, did not stay awake at night worrying about her. Did not lie awake wondering if Kaori's jovial manner would fad and twist into resentment the way her own had. She did not anxiously watch the girl eat to make sure she was getting the proper nutrition. She did not feel it like a blow to her stomach ever time Kaori fell during their practice sessions.

"Fuck," she breathed, and Korra laughed.

"Welcome to parenthood."

"I didn't want this," Kuvira groaned. "I can't even take care of myself."

"Luckily," Korra said, "Su and Baatar are the ones responsible for that part." She seemed to be enjoying this far too much for Kuvira's liking.

"She's not even mine."

"Do you love her?"

"Yes." She supposed she should not have been surprised by her own lack of hesitation in the answer. The girl had managed to become so important to Kuvira in such a short amount of time.

"Do you help take care of her?"

"Yes."

"Does she rely on you?"

Kuvira thought for a moment. "Yes."

"If someone hurt her, would you want to kill them?"

"Yes."

"Then she's yours. At least partially." Korra clapped her on the back. "Just because she's also Su and Baatar's doesn't mean she can't be yours, too."

Kuvira turned away. "You didn't come here to talk about Kaori."

Korra's face grew serious. "No, I didn't. I came here to talk about you and Su."

Kuvira sighed and brushed her hand off on her pants. "There's nothing to talk about. Nothing is going to happen."

"I just want to make sure you are going to be okay here."

"I will be," Kuvira promised. "I want his to work. I want to be able to stay here."

"I know. And we're going to do our best to make sure that happens. I just worry that Su is going to…push you once we're gone."

Kuvira wanted to deny it, but she knew Suyin well enough to admit that Korra's concerns were not unfounded. When Suyin wanted something, she rarely let herself go without. And she was very clear on how much she wanted Kuvira.

"She's promised not to," Kuvira said lamely, knowing Korra was unconvinced.

"Look, I love Su," Korra said. "She is a good friend, but we both know she's not just going to let this go. No matter what Lin or I tell her. In fact, I get the impression that Lin is conspiring with her, so you can't count on support there. Is there anyone who Suyin listens to? Who can keep her in line?"

"She listens to Baatar," Kuvira reluctantly revealed, knowing what Korra would suggest next.

"Then you should talk to him."

Kuvira sighed. "I can't, Korra. He's…he's her husband. It would be too….awkward."

"Kuvira, you have to get some kind of solid guarantee that I'm not leaving you in a situation that could blow up. I need to know that someone is looking out for you, and I think Baatar can do that, if you trust him."

"I do, but I don't want to put him in that position. His wife is in love with me. How can I…how can I ask him to do this?"

"I really think he's want to, Kuvira," Korra insisted. "He cares about you, too. Don't you see that in the way he hovers over you sometimes?"

"Korra-"

"Please, Kuvira. Promise me you'll talk to him."

Kuvira debated with herself for a moment, trying to see if there was any way out of this. Part of her suspected that Korra had already spoken to Baatar on the matter. "I'll try," was all she could manage.

Korra nodded. "All right. That's all I can ask for."

To Kuvira's relief, she let the matter drop, and they talked of other things until it was time for lunch. The entire meal, she kept avoiding both Suyin and Baatar's eyes. She felt so very mixed up about the entire thing, and she feared that she would not be able to figure out how to deal with it all. And as the time drew nearer for Korra and Lin to leave, Kuvira's anxiety grew. Would Suyin give her space, or would she be forced to leave Zaofu.

Those were the questions on her mind as she watched Korra and Lin depart in the airship. Suyin stood at her side, and tentatively put a hand on her shoulder.

"Are you all right?" she asked quietly.

"Yes."

"You've been avoiding me."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

Suyin shook her head. "No…don't apologize for that. This has been a very…tumultuous few days for you. For us both." She seemed to want more, but waited expectantly for Kuvira to say something.

"I just…needed, still need, some space."

"I understand," Suyin said sighing. "I shouldn't have sprung all of that on you."

"Su, please, I really…can't talk about this with you right now. I need time and space."

Suyin looked wounded, but quickly covered. "Of course. Of course." She removed her hand from Kuvira's shoulder and stiffened. "Kuvira-"

"Please, Su. Just let it rest for now." Kuvira took a step away, biting the inside of her cheek. "I need to go. I have some things I need to do." She gave Suyin one last glance before turning away from the older woman. She knew if Suyin kept pushing her, she would either fold and create a toxic situation, or she would be forced to leave. And she knew neither of those scenarios were things Suyin wanted. She just did not know how to make Suyin see that.

Kuvira did intend to keep her promise to Korra. She was going to seek out Baatar, but like every other Beifong she had ever known, he found her first. He caught her one morning as she was returning to her rooms from the practice yard. She was sweaty and tired, and she nearly groaned as she saw him because she had really been hoping for more time than this to prepare herself.

"Kuvira," he greeted, looking a little apprehensive, but trying to put forth a warm smile anyway.

"Baatar. How can I help you?"

"Can we go inside?" He must have seen her flinch because he quickly added, "It's nothing bad. I just would prefer some privacy, and I'm sure you would, too." He gave a meaningful look at the guards still stationed at each end of the corridor. They were there more for the peace of mind of the residents of Zaofu than anything else.

"Of course." Kuvira opened the door and ushered him inside. "Could you give me just a moment to change and freshen up?" She indicated her appearance.

"Oh, sure!" His eyes raked over her form, then he blushed furiously. He certainly did not stare in the obvious, brazen way Suyin did. Somehow it put her at east to know that he was nervous, too. She excused herself to her bedroom where she tried to wipe the sweat off herself. What she really needed was a shower (she and Hua had spared that morning, and Kuvira had held nothing back-and still gotten beaten), but it would have to wait. Once she was dressed, she went back out to face Baatar.

He was seated on her couch, looking out of place where Suyin always looked so at home.

"So, I suppose you're here to talk about Su," Kuvira said wanting to get to the point right away. He seemed surprised by her directness, but nodded.

"About you and Su, but yes."

"There's really nothing to talk about, Baatar. Nothing can happen between me and Su. I promise you that."

Baatar took a moment to reply. "I was, I suppose, twenty-seven when Su took her first lover since we have been together. We had talked of it at length, and even though I was unsure how I would handle it, I decided to see how it went."

"And let me guess. You found it wasn't that bad and I should give it a chance."

"No. It was awful." Baatar shook his head. "It was a woman, and I could smell her perfume on Su when she came back. It made me sick, and I was so jealous I thought it would consume me. And I'm not a jealous person. Su saw how it affected me so she offered to stay monogamous. She said she loved me and wanted me to be happy. I said yes. I wanted her to be with just me. I thought that if she had other lovers, it meant I wasn't enough or not attractive enough or that I was lacking in some way. She stayed faithful, but she was miserable. She was in love with a dance teacher, and she was denying herself that relationship for me. And I realized that just because she loved the dancer didn't mean she loved me any less. We had two children by that time, and I knew she wasn't going to leave me for this woman. So I decided to try again. It still felt horrible at first, but Su was…happier than I'd seen her in a long time. And _our_ relationship became better. Eventually, I found it didn't bother me anymore."

Kuvira closed her eyes and turned away. "But you are always the one she comes back to. She would drop everyone else for you. I could never compete with what you have, and I would always be second best."

Baatar shook his head, face full of disbelief. "Kuvira, it's not a competition."

"She left all her other lovers, but kept you."

"We're married and have children together. I fear that if that wasn't the case, she would have left me, too, in the time after your imprisonment."

Surprised, Kuvira stared at him. "It was that bad?"

"She would never tell you herself, and I normally….would not divulge her secrets, but you should be aware. She went through several years of intense depression after your imprisonment. She left her other lovers. She withdrew from me. Isolated herself. Her other lovers have since moved on, and that is why she is not with them now. That and you."

"Me?"

"Since Lin's wedding, she has not sought out any other lovers. Not since she decided she wanted you. I don't know why. Perhaps her frustration at not having you has made it hard for her. You know she's not used to not getting what she wants."

Kuvira frowned at that. "I'm not a prize or a possession."

"No, I know. That's not what I meant. That's not how she…I'm not here to speak for her, Kuvira." His kind eyes softened. "I'm just here to talk to you and try to make sure you get an accurate idea of what it's like to have a polyamorous partner. Because it's not how you think it is."

With rowing frustration, Kuvira began pacing. "It doesn't matter anyway."

"Maybe not right now," Baatar said, "but what about the future? This arrangement doesn't have to be forever."

"I'm just…I can't think about it right now. I can barely deal with my emotions as it is. I just want…I've only been out of prison for about a month, and I haven't adjusted yet. There is so much for me to settle before I can even think…" She sighed and sat next to him. "I don't even know what my feelings for her are for sure." She took a deep breath, preparing herself to ask him to advocate for her. "I need her to not push me, Baatar. And you're the only person she might listen to about this."

"You want me to tell her to back off."

"Yes. I just...if she pushes, I don't know if I can stay here."

"If you left, it would devastate her," Baatar revealed. "She's been working for over a year to get you here. Ever since they started talking about you getting out on parole."

"I want to stay here, believe me. I just also have to look out for what's best for me."

He laid a hand on her knee. "I know. That's all I want, and really, that's all Su wants, too." He gave her a wry little smile. "She just thinks that she is what's best for you. I do agree that Zaofu is the best place for you."

"You've been so good to me," Kuvira said, hating how guilty she still felt. He had basically given her permission to romantically pursue his wife, yet somehow it still felt like cheating.

"I care about you, too, Kuvira," he said. "And Su loves you so much. And I love her. I just want both of you to be happy, and to find a way to work through this. It has been a long time since I was Su's only partner. I promise you, the prospect of you with my wife doesn't bother me. I want it for you and for Su, if that is what will make you both happy."

What Kuvira did next surprised her and Baatar both, for she had not done it to him close to thirty years. But she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. Startled, he did not reciprocate immediately, but when he was over his shock, he tentatively placed his hands on her back, then let his arms wrap around her. It was different from being hugged by Su or Korra. His harms were bigger, and Kuvira felt completely surrounded by him. She felt safe and comfortable.

"You're a kind man, Baatar," she said fiercely. "Kinder to me than I have any right to-"

"Kuvira, please, we've been over this," Baatar interrupted. "Everything was forgiven a long time ago."

"I don't think I can do it," Kuvira said into his shirt. "Even if it's just you. I don't think I could handle it. And then…I would resent you, and I don't want that. I never want that to happen." Her voice caught, and she realized with horror that she was starting to cry. She had done far too much of that lately. I never want to feel that way about you. Because you don't deserve it. You're too good and kind."

He just hugged her closer, and hand coming up to cradle the back of her head. "We're going to figure this out, Kuvira. This is the start of your new life and we're going to make sure it's good." H pulled back and cupped her face, his hands so much larger and rougher than Suyin's. "I don't want this to cause you anguish. Loving someone shouldn't cause you pain. Not like that. I know that you aren't sure what your feelings for Su are, but I know you love her. At least in some way. Don't you?"

Kuvira bit her lip and nodded. He wiped a thumb across her cheek to pick up her tears. The act was so intimate coming from him. Suyin touched her all the time, casually, many times a day. Baatar hardly ever did, and now he was so close to her, inside her personal bubble. Long ago, she had distanced herself from him. He had been such a stark reminder of al she had lost, all she had lacked in her childhood. She had convinced herself that he was weak not worth her time, and she had instead focused on Suyin as her guardian, her chance for affection. She wondered now how things would have been different if she had accepted his kindness twenty years before. Perhaps she could have avoided the events that led her to prison.

Perhaps she would have married his son.

The thought sent such a shudder through her, felt so incredibly wrong, that she knew then and there that whatever happened with Suyin, she was better off this way. With Suyin and Baatar, in whatever capacity. So she swallowed her fear and doubt and straightened where she sat.

"I need time to think, and I need her to give me that," she said. "Until a time when she's not my guardian nothing can happen. After that, I don't know. But for now-"

"Nothing. I know." Baatar smiled at her. "I'll talk to Su. She won't like it, but she'll do what's best for you. She will. I'll make sure of it. I don't want you to worry about it."

"Thank you, Baatar," she said softly, affection for him welling inside her, constricting her chest in a pleasant way.

He waved her off. "I just want you to be happy and comfortable here."

Until this point, Kuvira had thought that his acceptance of her was out of some sort of guilt over how her childhood had gone. That he was trying to make up for how she had never integrated into his family before. But now, she thought it may have been something more. The way her looked at her reminded her sharply of how Suyin looked at her. Not the intensity, of course, but the affection was there. Perhaps the love. And she wanted him to touch her again. It had not been the passionate way Suyin seemed to want to touch her, but it had been so comforting.

"How…how is Su?" Kuvira asked tentatively. "I've been trying to keep my distance until I figure this out."

"She misses you," Baatar said. "Very much. But she's trying."

"I miss her, too." It had not even been that long since she had spent time with Suyin, only a few days, but the distance between them made it seem like longer. She was frightened that she would lose the friendship she had been rekindling with Suyin. No matter what happened, she worried that it would change things for the worse. If she kept herself away from Suyin, it could destroy what they had rebuilt. If she got to close and things went up in flames, she feared neither of them would be able to get over it. "I'm just...scared."

"I know. But we're going to take care of you." He laced his fingers in her, and she felt that maybe he could be right. He felt so safe, so solid. She thought perhaps the risk wasn't so great or daunting when she knew that he was there to catch her. He was such a contrast to Suyin's whirlwind effect, her intense passion and stubbornness. He was more insightful, more able to take the time to see what she needed. Not that Suyin didn't care. Because Kuvira knew she did. She just also knew that Suyin sometimes needed things spelled out for her. And no one knew Suyin better than Baatar. Perhaps he really could get through to her in a way Kuvira could not.

"Thank you. I want to do whatever I can to stay here," she told him. "I just want to make sure it's a healthy place for me."

"Of course. That's absolutely what we need to give you. Please, Kuvira, tell me if you need something to change. I know that you feel like your place here could become endangered, but I want you to know that it's not. No matter what Suyin's feelings are, I will guarantee that I won't let anything happen to you because of this. I don't want you to feel like you can't ask for anything. You're not in prison anymore. You're home. This is your home as much as it is mine and Su's."

"Baatar-"

"It is. Su and Lin are working on making that legal, so you won't just have to take my word for it."

"Oh." So that must have been what Suyin and Lin had been conspiring about. Suyin hadn't wasted any time trying to figure out a solution. It almost irritated Kuvira. No, it did irritate Kuvira. The time she asked for was not just because of the power dynamic. It was because she needed time to become her own person, to learn how to be an independent person again. "I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"I figured as much," he admitted. "I'll try to get her to back off on that, too."

"It's all just happening too fast, Baatar."

"I understand."

"Will Su understand?"

Baatar sighed. "I'm going to make sure she does, Kuvira." He squeezed her hand. "This is the type of thing I want you to tell me. If you're feeling pushed, and she's not listening, tell me. She needs to learn to listen to you. It's always been an issue for her. I know she wants to be the best she can for you."

Kuvira nodded, thankful. Korra had been right. It was essential to have Baatar on her side. To have him involved with this. As strange as it was for her, she now felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. He would help her. And she felt like she could try to move forward now.

She only hoped that Suyin would listen.


End file.
